Our priest starts off each Sunday's talk with a joke. One Sunday it went something like this: An older couple had followed a healthy diet all their life, low fat, low calorie, etc. When they died and went to Heaven and saw the great banquet feast prepared to welcome them with all its fattening, rich foods they said, If only we hadn't been so healthy down on earth we could have been here enjoying this so much sooner!
Which could beg the question, if our ultimate goal is to get to Heaven, why do we do so much to preserve our life on earth?
Author William Paul Young in "Cross Roads" explains it this way, "life is the normal and death the anomaly...[we] were never designed or created for death, so by nature [we] fight it".
That idea makes me feel a little better. We were designed for relationship with God. I recognize that my personality does not seek change for changes sake. I'm not the type that always seeks the next adventure or the latest-greatest tech gadget; I'm more the "if it ain't broke - don't fix it" type.
I can certainly recognize that my relationship with God could be immensely better, but it's not in my nature to want to take it to the next level (as in Creed's "Higher" song).
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
How I'm Spending the Holidays
After this year I may have only two Christmases left on earth. In truth that statement could apply to anyone since nobody really knows. I wanted to be intentional in how I spent my time this season.
I feel like these are the years and especially the Christmases my nine year old will remember. It is still a magical time to him. Three Christmases from now he may be saying, "I remember how mom always .... at Christmas".
So instead of rushing around and doing all the society things (except for the pageant - we had to do that one) I'm not baking cookies or going overboard with decorations or present buying. It's not too late for a new tradition - we picked out a Christmas themed puzzle at Wal-mart and are working it in the living room. I remember working puzzles with my relatives when we would get together for the holidays and I wanted to pass that on to him (even though no relatives are visiting.) Also, a friend gave me a hot beverage maker so we are enjoying lots of hot cocoa (the kid) and tea (me). Every day at 2 p.m. we make hot beverages and read while we drink them curled up on the sofa. After that we work on the puzzle together until 4 p.m.
"Christmas traditions aren't trivial, they brighten the darkest months of the year." (Nancy Atherton, Aunt Dimity's Christmas)
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!
I feel like these are the years and especially the Christmases my nine year old will remember. It is still a magical time to him. Three Christmases from now he may be saying, "I remember how mom always .... at Christmas".
So instead of rushing around and doing all the society things (except for the pageant - we had to do that one) I'm not baking cookies or going overboard with decorations or present buying. It's not too late for a new tradition - we picked out a Christmas themed puzzle at Wal-mart and are working it in the living room. I remember working puzzles with my relatives when we would get together for the holidays and I wanted to pass that on to him (even though no relatives are visiting.) Also, a friend gave me a hot beverage maker so we are enjoying lots of hot cocoa (the kid) and tea (me). Every day at 2 p.m. we make hot beverages and read while we drink them curled up on the sofa. After that we work on the puzzle together until 4 p.m.
"Christmas traditions aren't trivial, they brighten the darkest months of the year." (Nancy Atherton, Aunt Dimity's Christmas)
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Poo Pooing the Pageants
First I would like to clearly state that I am a faithful Christian. I am in church every Sunday and I try to live my Christian values in my daily life.
That said - I'm really starting to loathe Christmas pageants. I think the biggest clue is that they are called a "pageant". Pageants are a parading of people - and that's how I always feel about Christmas pageants. Let's just parade everyone's child up and down so pictures can be taken. Sometimes the performance attempts to recount the Christmas story. But it is so dis-contiguous that it looses all meaning. Why can't we have a St. Patrick's Day pageant?
And at this time of year people commonly say they don't need one more event to go to. Yet every place seems to think they have to cram in their event. Why don't work places have a spring barbecue instead of a Christmas party? I would be just as happy with a door prize in April as I would in December.
I asked my daughter, the psychology student, why we need pageants. She said it is for the joy for the children. And while it is true that my nine year old was very proud of his recent participation in his school pageant, I think he would have been equally as proud if he had played the part of St. Valentine in February.
Surely we should be spending the holiday season on family traditions and time with loved ones. Besides - when have you ever heard anyone say, "I'm a successful [doctor/lawyer/nobel prize winner] because I was in a Christmas pageant!"?
That said - I'm really starting to loathe Christmas pageants. I think the biggest clue is that they are called a "pageant". Pageants are a parading of people - and that's how I always feel about Christmas pageants. Let's just parade everyone's child up and down so pictures can be taken. Sometimes the performance attempts to recount the Christmas story. But it is so dis-contiguous that it looses all meaning. Why can't we have a St. Patrick's Day pageant?
And at this time of year people commonly say they don't need one more event to go to. Yet every place seems to think they have to cram in their event. Why don't work places have a spring barbecue instead of a Christmas party? I would be just as happy with a door prize in April as I would in December.
I asked my daughter, the psychology student, why we need pageants. She said it is for the joy for the children. And while it is true that my nine year old was very proud of his recent participation in his school pageant, I think he would have been equally as proud if he had played the part of St. Valentine in February.
Surely we should be spending the holiday season on family traditions and time with loved ones. Besides - when have you ever heard anyone say, "I'm a successful [doctor/lawyer/nobel prize winner] because I was in a Christmas pageant!"?
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Getting Picked for the Team
A lot of times when someone dies humans comfort themselves or others by reasoning that God needed another angel. So, in a sense, it's like God chose the deceased for His team - He called them up from the minor leagues.
When I was a kid, in playground games or PE class, I was always one of the last to be called. And it made me sad. So why is it that now, when God might choose me for his 2017 line up, I feel sad. Now that I might be picked for the team - suddenly I don't want to be on the team. I'd be happy staying in the minor league.
If I am envious of anything it is Paul's ability to see life and death as equally good:
When I was a kid, in playground games or PE class, I was always one of the last to be called. And it made me sad. So why is it that now, when God might choose me for his 2017 line up, I feel sad. Now that I might be picked for the team - suddenly I don't want to be on the team. I'd be happy staying in the minor league.
If I am envious of anything it is Paul's ability to see life and death as equally good:
Philippians 1:21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;
24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Two Schools of Thought
In 1988 my dad had a heart attack. A man who was not overweight by even a pound, ran three miles every day and never even had so much as a cold. He was so health conscious that he was actually at the clinic to get his blood pressure checked and when they took it they told him he was having a heart attack right at that moment.
He had surgery, and went on a strict diet. He lost a lot of weight but he wasn't enjoying food anymore. Gradually he went back to his old eating habits. He told me he'd rather enjoy the days he has left than prolong his days with an unenjoyable life style.
26 years later he's still going.
I've often contemplated the dilemma of prolonging vs. enjoying and I expect I'll be contemplating it much more often in the next few years.
He had surgery, and went on a strict diet. He lost a lot of weight but he wasn't enjoying food anymore. Gradually he went back to his old eating habits. He told me he'd rather enjoy the days he has left than prolong his days with an unenjoyable life style.
26 years later he's still going.
I've often contemplated the dilemma of prolonging vs. enjoying and I expect I'll be contemplating it much more often in the next few years.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Gratitude
I drove past a marquee yesterday that said, "Gratitude is what makes what you have enough".
I should really practice more gratitude - and not just because it's Thanksgiving, but all year long, for the rest of my days.
I'm not famous but most people aren't. All things considered I've had a pretty good life:
I should really practice more gratitude - and not just because it's Thanksgiving, but all year long, for the rest of my days.
I'm not famous but most people aren't. All things considered I've had a pretty good life:
- I've never had to go to bed hungry
- I've always had a bed to sleep in under a roof and a warm blanket
- I didn't have to fight for my education
- I've had some jobs I've really enjoyed
- I've been blessed with three kids that are all amazing in amazingly unique ways
- I've enjoyed the comforts of television, technology and transportation
- I've traveled and made friends around the world
- I'm free to worship as I choose
And these are just the basics. I could make an endless list.
I can see the wisdom in the eight words on the marquee.
If I focus my time and thoughts on being thankful for what I've already lived, I might not freak out so much about what I'll miss if my life ends on July 12, 2017.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Shotgun
I'm calling "dibs". Just in case I have a grand child born on July 12, 2017, I'm claiming the rights to decide its middle name.
The obvious would be Destiny for a girl - but that's not really my style. I would choose a name that means "word of God" or something similar. Good thing I've got time to look around. A name is probably a much better thing on which to center my thoughts than what kind of disease am I going to get.
The obvious would be Destiny for a girl - but that's not really my style. I would choose a name that means "word of God" or something similar. Good thing I've got time to look around. A name is probably a much better thing on which to center my thoughts than what kind of disease am I going to get.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Just Call Me Martha
In church one Sunday the priest read the passage about Martha, sister of Lazarus, talking with Jesus about Lazarus being dead. (ref. John 11:20+) I've heard this passage often and the discussion is always about the symbolism of death and resurrection.
On this particular Sunday, however, it occurred to me that there was a whole piece that nobody ever talks about. Martha admits understanding that Lazarus will go to Heaven. She obviously believes in Jesus. But she is rather annoyed that Jesus let him die. In v. 21-22 she tells Jesus that if He'd been there Lazarus would still be alive and reminds Him that God will do whatever Jesus asks of Him.
The underlying implication being that she is asking Jesus to raise Lazarus from the dead.
Aha! I am not the only woman who struggles with wanting more time on earth. Even though I know Heaven is an awesome place and ultimately that is the goal of life - I don't want July 12, 2017 to be the end of my life. I want lots more time. Just as Martha wanted for her brother.
It's one thing for me to want to postpone my Heavenly journey but imagine if your sibling said you couldn't go to Heaven yet because they still wanted you here. That seems a little selfish, and then to say that right to Jesus' face!
So I take from this that it is completely okay that I'm not gung ho about going to Heaven whenever my time may be up because since the beginning of time women had such feelings. AND - most importantly, I should take my desires to God. Just as Lazarus got more time with his family, I might also if I only ask.
On this particular Sunday, however, it occurred to me that there was a whole piece that nobody ever talks about. Martha admits understanding that Lazarus will go to Heaven. She obviously believes in Jesus. But she is rather annoyed that Jesus let him die. In v. 21-22 she tells Jesus that if He'd been there Lazarus would still be alive and reminds Him that God will do whatever Jesus asks of Him.
The underlying implication being that she is asking Jesus to raise Lazarus from the dead.
Aha! I am not the only woman who struggles with wanting more time on earth. Even though I know Heaven is an awesome place and ultimately that is the goal of life - I don't want July 12, 2017 to be the end of my life. I want lots more time. Just as Martha wanted for her brother.
It's one thing for me to want to postpone my Heavenly journey but imagine if your sibling said you couldn't go to Heaven yet because they still wanted you here. That seems a little selfish, and then to say that right to Jesus' face!
So I take from this that it is completely okay that I'm not gung ho about going to Heaven whenever my time may be up because since the beginning of time women had such feelings. AND - most importantly, I should take my desires to God. Just as Lazarus got more time with his family, I might also if I only ask.
Knitting Baby Blankets
About 7 years ago when my youngest started pre-school I took a job in a craft store just to fill some of my time. Having had previous experience with knitting and needle work I was assigned to the Yarn department. So all day long I arranged fabulous yarns and pattern books and such and got first chance at items when they got marked down for clearance.
Around that time a friend had a baby and I wanted to make a blanket for her. It occurred to me that having a stock pile of hand made blankets might be wise for other such occasions as well as when my oldest children start having their own children.
As a result I now have a closet in my back room that is half full of all the ingredients to make several beautiful baby blankets. Thank goodness I only worked at the store for 4 1/2 months! It was like a buffet - my eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach (or in this case my amount of free time). But I figure as the years go on and times change, I'll have projects to work on even when in retirement I may not have the income to fund them. Sort of like my bookshelf filled with books I want to read. Sometimes I wonder if my eyes and hands will hold out as I age but until now my yarn surplus has been simply getting ahead in preparing entertainment for retirement.
Recently it occurred to me that it might be wise to step up the knitting because it might wind up to be more of leaving a legacy than getting prepared and working ahead. Yet, even after that insight I really haven't found much time for it. I keep coming up with other things that I need or want to do - study to become a teacher, couponing, reading, family activities, etc. And let's not even mention how far behind I am on scrapbooking! It must be a rare person who can say at the end of their life that they are ready - they did it all and there is nothing left they want to do.
Around that time a friend had a baby and I wanted to make a blanket for her. It occurred to me that having a stock pile of hand made blankets might be wise for other such occasions as well as when my oldest children start having their own children.
As a result I now have a closet in my back room that is half full of all the ingredients to make several beautiful baby blankets. Thank goodness I only worked at the store for 4 1/2 months! It was like a buffet - my eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach (or in this case my amount of free time). But I figure as the years go on and times change, I'll have projects to work on even when in retirement I may not have the income to fund them. Sort of like my bookshelf filled with books I want to read. Sometimes I wonder if my eyes and hands will hold out as I age but until now my yarn surplus has been simply getting ahead in preparing entertainment for retirement.
Recently it occurred to me that it might be wise to step up the knitting because it might wind up to be more of leaving a legacy than getting prepared and working ahead. Yet, even after that insight I really haven't found much time for it. I keep coming up with other things that I need or want to do - study to become a teacher, couponing, reading, family activities, etc. And let's not even mention how far behind I am on scrapbooking! It must be a rare person who can say at the end of their life that they are ready - they did it all and there is nothing left they want to do.
Analysis of a Dream
THE BACKSTORY
For years I've been coloring my hair and keeping it in the same style. Recently I felt like my style was out-dated so I'm letting it grow out. It seems that plain and straight is an acceptable style these days. A few weeks ago I mentioned to a co-worker that I liked her hair color. She said she just uses a lightening spray on her roots. I tried it and liked the results so I've been considering "cutting" out my salon visits all together. I've been going to the same hair guy for 20 years! In recent years though my life has morphed in different directions so it's no longer convenient - but still I've been carefully scheduling and driving well out of my way to use the same guy so I feel like I really need to consider this carefully before I make any significant changes.
THE DREAM
I was talking to my hair guy and he told me he was diagnosed with leukemia. I started thinking about the cancer being in his bloodstream. I also wondered if he was going to loose his hair and be bald.
THE ANALYSIS
Most dreams are not literal. It is unlikely that the hair guy is going to get leukemia. The first question I need to ask myself if what is the first personality trait that comes to mind when I think of the hair guy.
"Knowledgeable" For more than 20 years he's been talking to a variety of people all day long - so he is one of those guys that knows a little bit about a lot of things. He also knows his craft. He knows the science of hair. We have had discussions about the safety of hair dye and other chemicals.
THE MESSAGE I TAKE AWAY
I need to get really knowledgable about the chemicals in hair dye and give this decision some serious consideration. I don't think that my hair guy would lie to me or intentionally cause me harm - but at the end of the day it is his livelihood so he certainly can't tell all his customers that hair dye will give them cancer or he would loose the majority of his business.
THE FOLLOW UP
I read a few articles online and have decided to give up hair dye. I believe that in standard quantities and frequencies hair dye is fine for most people. But I am not most people. I have recently had a medical diagnosis that confirmed my suspicion that my body does not process toxins like most people. So, while the average woman may be fine getting her hair dyed five or six times a year my body can only handle two times a year. Since I'm not a fan of the grown out roots look that means I may as well not even bother.
There are other options but I'm going to try dying it back to my natural brown and then not doing any color treatments for several months and see how I feel after that. The irony is that there is more toxicity in darker colors so to get to the stage where I put no toxic chemicals on my hair I first have to put extra toxic chemicals on my hair.
For years I've been coloring my hair and keeping it in the same style. Recently I felt like my style was out-dated so I'm letting it grow out. It seems that plain and straight is an acceptable style these days. A few weeks ago I mentioned to a co-worker that I liked her hair color. She said she just uses a lightening spray on her roots. I tried it and liked the results so I've been considering "cutting" out my salon visits all together. I've been going to the same hair guy for 20 years! In recent years though my life has morphed in different directions so it's no longer convenient - but still I've been carefully scheduling and driving well out of my way to use the same guy so I feel like I really need to consider this carefully before I make any significant changes.
THE DREAM
I was talking to my hair guy and he told me he was diagnosed with leukemia. I started thinking about the cancer being in his bloodstream. I also wondered if he was going to loose his hair and be bald.
THE ANALYSIS
Most dreams are not literal. It is unlikely that the hair guy is going to get leukemia. The first question I need to ask myself if what is the first personality trait that comes to mind when I think of the hair guy.
"Knowledgeable" For more than 20 years he's been talking to a variety of people all day long - so he is one of those guys that knows a little bit about a lot of things. He also knows his craft. He knows the science of hair. We have had discussions about the safety of hair dye and other chemicals.
THE MESSAGE I TAKE AWAY
I need to get really knowledgable about the chemicals in hair dye and give this decision some serious consideration. I don't think that my hair guy would lie to me or intentionally cause me harm - but at the end of the day it is his livelihood so he certainly can't tell all his customers that hair dye will give them cancer or he would loose the majority of his business.
THE FOLLOW UP
I read a few articles online and have decided to give up hair dye. I believe that in standard quantities and frequencies hair dye is fine for most people. But I am not most people. I have recently had a medical diagnosis that confirmed my suspicion that my body does not process toxins like most people. So, while the average woman may be fine getting her hair dyed five or six times a year my body can only handle two times a year. Since I'm not a fan of the grown out roots look that means I may as well not even bother.
There are other options but I'm going to try dying it back to my natural brown and then not doing any color treatments for several months and see how I feel after that. The irony is that there is more toxicity in darker colors so to get to the stage where I put no toxic chemicals on my hair I first have to put extra toxic chemicals on my hair.
Angels Watching Over Me?
I was listening to my iPod a few weeks ago and heard Amy Grant's "Angels Watching Over Me". I got on one of those mind trains that kept rolling over shaky bridges. Like if God has angels watching over us and protecting us - why? Doesn't He have our whole life planned already? So why would we need protecting from His plan? I know we need to pray and thank Him and ask for things - but I was getting really jumbled on the protection part. I know we have free will, but even so - God knows what we are going to choose. So He can plan ahead - He can either let us suffer the consequences of our free will, or He can rescue us and protect us from that consequence. Does He employ angels to protect us because He's too busy? No - He's God, all knowing, all powerful.
A couple of nights ago at book club we were discussing William Paul Young's "Crossroads" and one of the other ladies started down the same path.
So glad I'm not the only one who gets jumbled up by this. Maybe Amy Grant (or whoever wrote her song) was just as jumbled. Just because it's in a song, doesn't mean that's the way it is - I suppose.
A couple of nights ago at book club we were discussing William Paul Young's "Crossroads" and one of the other ladies started down the same path.
So glad I'm not the only one who gets jumbled up by this. Maybe Amy Grant (or whoever wrote her song) was just as jumbled. Just because it's in a song, doesn't mean that's the way it is - I suppose.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Meet Joe Black
I saw the movie "Meet Joe Black" in 2000 and instantly loved the movie and purchased a copy to own - which was not a commitment I took lightly. Fourteen years later we hardly ever use our DVD player, especially since we now have a DVR on the satellite. So I recorded the movie and watched it again to see why it fascinated me so the first time.
The premise of the movie is that "Death" has whispered to Bill Parrish, a successful business man with two lovely daughters. Bill is a widow and his 65th birthday is just days away. He hears a voice one night saying "yes". The next day in his office he is struck with chest pains and has a conversation with the voice. One of his daughters has been dating a young man named Drew. While Bill and his daughter were flying into the city that morning he was encouraging her to make sure if Drew wasn't the one that she find the guy who was as incredible as a lightning strike. So while he's on his knees in his office, she is in a coffee shop meeting the young man played by Brad Pitt. They really connect, have some great conversation, but never exchange names. When they part there is a series of he looks back as she's walking away, then she looks back as he's walking away, and back and forth until she rounds a corner and he takes one last look while standing in the middle of the street. (Obviously not a wise idea, especially when "Death" is lurking close by.)
So "Death" takes the body of Brad Pitt and reveals himself to Bill in the flesh. In exchange for a few extra days of living, Bill agrees to show "Death" what this life thing is all about. Obviously they can't tell anyone the real reason "Death" is hanging around so they become very elusive - only saying that his name is Joe Black. Imagine the daughter's surprise when she comes home for dinner and finds the young man there.
Their love grows which, to say the least, Bill is not pleased about. He tries to threaten "Death" but obviously "Death" has the upper hand. The next day, when "Death" tells Bill that they will also be taking his daughter with them, he tries a different approach and explains that if he really loves her he wouldn't want to hurt her. I really loved how the father took such a strong stand to protect his daughter, even if he pissed off "Death" and wound up dying sooner. It was a little difficult to reconcile though - because as a parent I want to protect my children from experiencing my death because I love them and don't want them to hurt. So I expected Bill to try and make a deal to live longer. I could even rationalize that if he let "Death" take the daughter then she wouldn't be grieving her dad's death and would be with the one she loved.
Of course, since it is scripted, Bill had the perfect last moments with his daughters. He said just the right things and said them so eloquently. Conceivably Bill had time to think about it even though the viewer never saw him putting any thought to it. Maybe I should start now - gathering my thoughts. I know there are people who even make videos and such, especially if their children are really young. I think there is so much I'd want to say I don't know if I could ever finalize the copy. I might just wind up saying something like, "Well, it's been nice knowing you - see you on the other side." But I hope I can go out like Bill.
In the end, "Death" learned about love and acted accordingly. Really a nice movie - makes me cry every time.
The premise of the movie is that "Death" has whispered to Bill Parrish, a successful business man with two lovely daughters. Bill is a widow and his 65th birthday is just days away. He hears a voice one night saying "yes". The next day in his office he is struck with chest pains and has a conversation with the voice. One of his daughters has been dating a young man named Drew. While Bill and his daughter were flying into the city that morning he was encouraging her to make sure if Drew wasn't the one that she find the guy who was as incredible as a lightning strike. So while he's on his knees in his office, she is in a coffee shop meeting the young man played by Brad Pitt. They really connect, have some great conversation, but never exchange names. When they part there is a series of he looks back as she's walking away, then she looks back as he's walking away, and back and forth until she rounds a corner and he takes one last look while standing in the middle of the street. (Obviously not a wise idea, especially when "Death" is lurking close by.)
So "Death" takes the body of Brad Pitt and reveals himself to Bill in the flesh. In exchange for a few extra days of living, Bill agrees to show "Death" what this life thing is all about. Obviously they can't tell anyone the real reason "Death" is hanging around so they become very elusive - only saying that his name is Joe Black. Imagine the daughter's surprise when she comes home for dinner and finds the young man there.
Their love grows which, to say the least, Bill is not pleased about. He tries to threaten "Death" but obviously "Death" has the upper hand. The next day, when "Death" tells Bill that they will also be taking his daughter with them, he tries a different approach and explains that if he really loves her he wouldn't want to hurt her. I really loved how the father took such a strong stand to protect his daughter, even if he pissed off "Death" and wound up dying sooner. It was a little difficult to reconcile though - because as a parent I want to protect my children from experiencing my death because I love them and don't want them to hurt. So I expected Bill to try and make a deal to live longer. I could even rationalize that if he let "Death" take the daughter then she wouldn't be grieving her dad's death and would be with the one she loved.
Of course, since it is scripted, Bill had the perfect last moments with his daughters. He said just the right things and said them so eloquently. Conceivably Bill had time to think about it even though the viewer never saw him putting any thought to it. Maybe I should start now - gathering my thoughts. I know there are people who even make videos and such, especially if their children are really young. I think there is so much I'd want to say I don't know if I could ever finalize the copy. I might just wind up saying something like, "Well, it's been nice knowing you - see you on the other side." But I hope I can go out like Bill.
In the end, "Death" learned about love and acted accordingly. Really a nice movie - makes me cry every time.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Statistically Speaking
The other day I saw a news reporter who was at an event for Breast Cancer Awareness and he gave a statistic that 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer.
1 in 8!!!
So I start counting:
- there are 8 women in my book club
- there are about 40 women on the campus I work at. 3 have already gotten breast cancer. 2 more to go?
- there are 11 women in the department I work in
- between mother-in-law, 3 sister-in-laws, 1 brother-in-law's long term girlfriend, 3 grown nieces and me there are 9 women in that side of my family
- 1 mother (deceased), 1 sister, me, 2 aunts, 3 girl cousins in my biological family
Of course one must factor in the whole genetic pre-disposition angle.
1 in 8 sounds like a lot when you start counting.
But one of the most inspiring people I know reminded me today not to live in fear.
If the weather man said there would be a 12.5% chance of rain - I would not take an umbrella.
So 1 in 8 is only a 12.5% chance that an individual will get breast cancer.
Odds that breast cancer will affect someone you know - 100%.
1 in 8!!!
So I start counting:
- there are 8 women in my book club
- there are about 40 women on the campus I work at. 3 have already gotten breast cancer. 2 more to go?
- there are 11 women in the department I work in
- between mother-in-law, 3 sister-in-laws, 1 brother-in-law's long term girlfriend, 3 grown nieces and me there are 9 women in that side of my family
- 1 mother (deceased), 1 sister, me, 2 aunts, 3 girl cousins in my biological family
Of course one must factor in the whole genetic pre-disposition angle.
1 in 8 sounds like a lot when you start counting.
But one of the most inspiring people I know reminded me today not to live in fear.
If the weather man said there would be a 12.5% chance of rain - I would not take an umbrella.
So 1 in 8 is only a 12.5% chance that an individual will get breast cancer.
Odds that breast cancer will affect someone you know - 100%.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Rubber Necking
I have spent very little time actively watching car races - but when I do I am one of those people who secretly hopes there will be a crash, just to make it interesting.
As a kid I remember when we'd pass a car crash my dad would talk about the "rubber neckers" turning their heads to see the wreck and slowing down traffic. I always liked that term - rubber neckers, what a fun name for it. As a grown up driver I make a point not to rubber neck. I truly believe the appropriate response to a car wreck should be "there, but for the grace of God, go I" although admittedly I usually don't acknowledge that.
Currently there are two beautiful, strong, courageous women that I work with who are battling breast cancer. I pray for them several times a day. Part of me wants to just sit back, observe and take notes. The idea that I should watch how they handle it so I can handle it the same way when it's my turn keeps running through my head. And that wrestles with the part of me that says I should not gain anything from someone else's misfortune. And then another piece of me wants to believe that God won't give me breast cancer because I might not be the gracious example that these two beautiful women are. I am doubtful that I could be as positive and strong as they are.
Intellectually I know that positive is the best way to handle it. I have heard of scientific studies that prove a positive disposition leads to shorter healing times and other related benefits. Yet I know that I have a tendency to let fear overwhelm me and run away with my thoughts even though I consider myself a generally positive person.
Perhaps I should start actively being even more positive - like strength training for any future medical challenges!
As a kid I remember when we'd pass a car crash my dad would talk about the "rubber neckers" turning their heads to see the wreck and slowing down traffic. I always liked that term - rubber neckers, what a fun name for it. As a grown up driver I make a point not to rubber neck. I truly believe the appropriate response to a car wreck should be "there, but for the grace of God, go I" although admittedly I usually don't acknowledge that.
Currently there are two beautiful, strong, courageous women that I work with who are battling breast cancer. I pray for them several times a day. Part of me wants to just sit back, observe and take notes. The idea that I should watch how they handle it so I can handle it the same way when it's my turn keeps running through my head. And that wrestles with the part of me that says I should not gain anything from someone else's misfortune. And then another piece of me wants to believe that God won't give me breast cancer because I might not be the gracious example that these two beautiful women are. I am doubtful that I could be as positive and strong as they are.
Intellectually I know that positive is the best way to handle it. I have heard of scientific studies that prove a positive disposition leads to shorter healing times and other related benefits. Yet I know that I have a tendency to let fear overwhelm me and run away with my thoughts even though I consider myself a generally positive person.
Perhaps I should start actively being even more positive - like strength training for any future medical challenges!
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Getting Impatient
It's been nine months since I was first warned about July 12, 2017. I'm starting to feel a little impatient.
I know the final date is almost three years away still. And I certainly don't want to spend the next three years fighting cancer or battling some other evil only to wind up dying anyway. My greatest hope is that I will enjoy every moment of every day and, if I don't win the lottery or receive some other fabulous blessing on July 12th, then that I might expire quietly in my sleep.
But I am getting a little anxious for more details.
Several months ago I had some routine lab work done and it had some abnormalities so my doctor wanted to re-test. I did the second set of labs and the nurse called to schedule a follow-up. I do labs twice a year so I've gotten these type of calls before. This time, though, I thought I detected a hint of seriousness.
I went to my appointment expecting to receive a hemophilia or leukemia diagnosis. I walked out with a diagnosis of Gilbert's Disease/Syndrome. It's really a whole lot of nothing. I might display symptoms of jaundice, I mights have abnormal lab results, and because of it I actually have a lower risk of Coronary Artery Disease.
So - I'm still left wondering, and trying to remember that it is a blessing. Ignorance is bliss, as "they" say.
I know the final date is almost three years away still. And I certainly don't want to spend the next three years fighting cancer or battling some other evil only to wind up dying anyway. My greatest hope is that I will enjoy every moment of every day and, if I don't win the lottery or receive some other fabulous blessing on July 12th, then that I might expire quietly in my sleep.
But I am getting a little anxious for more details.
Several months ago I had some routine lab work done and it had some abnormalities so my doctor wanted to re-test. I did the second set of labs and the nurse called to schedule a follow-up. I do labs twice a year so I've gotten these type of calls before. This time, though, I thought I detected a hint of seriousness.
I went to my appointment expecting to receive a hemophilia or leukemia diagnosis. I walked out with a diagnosis of Gilbert's Disease/Syndrome. It's really a whole lot of nothing. I might display symptoms of jaundice, I mights have abnormal lab results, and because of it I actually have a lower risk of Coronary Artery Disease.
So - I'm still left wondering, and trying to remember that it is a blessing. Ignorance is bliss, as "they" say.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Paying it Forward
Another lady at work has cancer. Unlike the first lady that I mentioned several posts ago, this lady has to work in between her treatments. For both ladies we took up a collection and for one of them we also prepared meals for her family. I contributed on all three counts. I would like to believe that if it was me then my co-workers would do the same. In the back of my head, I wondered if I wasn't paying it forward. If my contributions were actually an investment for the assistance I'll receive when whatever is looming in my future actually strikes.
A friend of mine coordinated a big fundraiser for her brother-in-law who needs a transplant. I got my book club to contribute a basket for the auction. Again - I'm thinking about paying it forward. Does that make me less charitable?
That reminds me about the episode of Friends when Phoebe and one of the guys was arguing about there is no truly selfless act. If doing charity work makes you feel good then it's not selfless. I think they tried to do something they didn't enjoy and wound up getting a free t-shirt. So maybe I don't feel so bad.
A friend of mine coordinated a big fundraiser for her brother-in-law who needs a transplant. I got my book club to contribute a basket for the auction. Again - I'm thinking about paying it forward. Does that make me less charitable?
That reminds me about the episode of Friends when Phoebe and one of the guys was arguing about there is no truly selfless act. If doing charity work makes you feel good then it's not selfless. I think they tried to do something they didn't enjoy and wound up getting a free t-shirt. So maybe I don't feel so bad.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
I Got the Car
My old car was going to need about $5000 worth of work. Because my child's school and my job are in a different town 30 miles from where we live it's difficult to schedule time at the mechanic without the additional expense of renting a car. And the thought of breaking down along the way, where there is often no cell phone coverage, with a 9 year old child with me was not a good idea. Plus, a new car is something that, once the idea takes root in your head and you pick a model and a color, it's hard to abandon.
So I got a Toyota. The finance manager who was leading us through all the titling papers talked about how he's seen Toyota's with 300,000 miles on them - so this may be the last car I ever buy. Those words sounded a lot different to me than he probably intended them to. Then he tried to sell me an extended warranty that would last six years. The absurdity was all through my head. I may not even make it through the 3 year / 36,000 mile warranty. (Well, I'll hit the miles before I'd hit the years anyway - unless an upcoming illness causes me to change my driving habits.)
Regardless, I will definitely enjoy whatever driving time I have left much more in a worry-free vehicle.
So I got a Toyota. The finance manager who was leading us through all the titling papers talked about how he's seen Toyota's with 300,000 miles on them - so this may be the last car I ever buy. Those words sounded a lot different to me than he probably intended them to. Then he tried to sell me an extended warranty that would last six years. The absurdity was all through my head. I may not even make it through the 3 year / 36,000 mile warranty. (Well, I'll hit the miles before I'd hit the years anyway - unless an upcoming illness causes me to change my driving habits.)
Regardless, I will definitely enjoy whatever driving time I have left much more in a worry-free vehicle.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My Mother's Things
This summer, in addition to packing away toys for supposed future grandchildren, I've also cleaned out a couple more boxes in the stack left
over from my mom's storage unit. (She passed away last October.) There
were four china teacups and saucers - all from different patterns, an
antique doll (creepy to me), and various knick-knacks. I looked them up
online and there's very little value. But to her I'm sure they were
valuable - sentimental if nothing else. And I'm just left to wonder.
Why teacups? Only four - they weren't something she sought out
actively. And the doll? Why drag it around all those years?
I wish I had thought to ask those things when she was alive. Did I even see that doll in her house anywhere? How would I have known to ask about it? It makes me want to go back into the boxes I packed away for my grandchildren and write notes about what was what.
When my mom was alive I used to think she had the best cooking pans and stirring spoons. Many years ago I even told her I wanted her pans when she died. I didn't have to wait that long because she bought me a set as a gift. Through the years I have acquired other pans and honestly, I like them much better because of their newer technology. A few months before she died she gave me one of her stirring spoons. It's not like I remembered either. I always remember making pudding with it - and it is good for that, but it's not an everyday cooking spoon.
In the end all I really wanted was her Bible and her recipe collection. And a little more time...
I wish I had thought to ask those things when she was alive. Did I even see that doll in her house anywhere? How would I have known to ask about it? It makes me want to go back into the boxes I packed away for my grandchildren and write notes about what was what.
When my mom was alive I used to think she had the best cooking pans and stirring spoons. Many years ago I even told her I wanted her pans when she died. I didn't have to wait that long because she bought me a set as a gift. Through the years I have acquired other pans and honestly, I like them much better because of their newer technology. A few months before she died she gave me one of her stirring spoons. It's not like I remembered either. I always remember making pudding with it - and it is good for that, but it's not an everyday cooking spoon.
In the end all I really wanted was her Bible and her recipe collection. And a little more time...
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
A New Car
My car is six years old and has over 115,000 miles on it and counting. I drive a lot! The car has been well cared for and I haven't had a lick of trouble with it. It was never even wrecked until just a few days ago when I had a very minor fender ding (so annoying - there goes my trade in value if I do trade in). With all the bigger vehicles on the road though, I feel like I would enjoy something bigger so I didn't feel so undersized when I drive around. I've test driven a couple of things. IF I get a new vehicle I want to take my time and not rush it. But part of me says, why bother, I could probably squeeze three more years out of my Honda. Not buying a car would leave a little more money for my kids to inherit. Or to pay future medical bills.
Would you buy a new car (a family car - not a dream car) if you new for certain you only had 3 days to live? Or 3 months? Or 3 years? Where is the reasonable cut off? Is it possible to be a martyr in this regard? Should I sacrifice or should I enjoy the potential last 3 years of driving?
Would you buy a new car (a family car - not a dream car) if you new for certain you only had 3 days to live? Or 3 months? Or 3 years? Where is the reasonable cut off? Is it possible to be a martyr in this regard? Should I sacrifice or should I enjoy the potential last 3 years of driving?
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Recently I was driving my eight year old to school and the song "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio. Being 8, he missed the song in its heyday so it occurred to me that he might not be aware of what a beautiful song it is. So I called his attention to it and explained the premise - the singer is imagining what Heaven will be like. I asked my son what he thought Heaven would be like, to which he replied that he is much younger than me so he won't be going to Heaven for a long time and doesn't need to think about it right now.
Of course, I have enough life experience to know that one never knows how much time they have - but try telling that to an optimistic eight year old. Or maybe, don't - eight year olds really shouldn't have to think about such things anyway.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Am I Good Enough?
I try very hard not to be any kind of "-ist" (agist, sexist, racist). I often fall into stereo-typical thinking though.
Like diabetes. My stereotype of diabetics is that they are negative, pessimistic people. I have known several diabetics who just don't take care of themselves and then get on dialysis and behave as if they are the most unfortunate creature on an earth who conspires against them. I don't say it but I think to myself that they could have avoided their situation with some proper health management.
And then there is breast cancer. My stereotype of breast cancer patients is that they are upbeat, positive, strong and courageous. They champion the cause and fight valiantly. They herald their faith and through their outlook bring others closer to Christ.
I often wonder if I could rise to the challenge of breast cancer and be as upbeat and positive as those I have observed. I tend to think I would not. I think I would cower in fear. So then I think maybe I won't get breast cancer because I probably wouldn't be a good servant to God through that battle. Maybe I'll get diabetes instead because I know I can manage my diet and encourage others to do the same.
Of course, this is just my perception of things. I know that God will use me as He will. And I really can't be proud of the fact that, if things went according to my ideas, I would get a lesser disease because I wouldn't be a good enough example to get the really challenging disease.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Sore Shoulders and Blue Paint
The week before school started was very busy in the Technology department. We moved a lot of equipment around between campuses and worked some long days. By Friday night when I got home I had such a knot in the muscles around my left shoulder blade that 600mg of Ibuprofen provided no relief. I really needed a good massage but there was no one at home to do that for me. So as I got in bed I prayed for relief and I went to sleep fully expecting that this pain would be with me for a few days.
During the night I dreamed that blue paint was poured or spilled on my shoulder. When I awoke my first thought was to consult my dream dictionary but I decided to just use my own intuition as a guide. I thought about what the color blue symbolizes to me: peace, tranquility. I thought about what paint symbolizes to me: a new start, something fresh and restored.
When I got out of bed I was pleasantly surprised to find that my muscle was restored and I was pain free. I feel like it was at that moment in my dream when the blue paint was poured on my shoulder that God was reaching down and answering my prayer and healing my shoulder.
Amen!
During the night I dreamed that blue paint was poured or spilled on my shoulder. When I awoke my first thought was to consult my dream dictionary but I decided to just use my own intuition as a guide. I thought about what the color blue symbolizes to me: peace, tranquility. I thought about what paint symbolizes to me: a new start, something fresh and restored.
When I got out of bed I was pleasantly surprised to find that my muscle was restored and I was pain free. I feel like it was at that moment in my dream when the blue paint was poured on my shoulder that God was reaching down and answering my prayer and healing my shoulder.
Amen!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Making Memories
I work for a school district so I'm off for the summer. So is my youngest child. But not my husband. In fact, he is busier at work this summer than he has been in a long time. Even though he is his own boss - he won't schedule time off. We have weekends together - if he's not too tired or working extra to get caught up. But we're not taking a family vacation this summer. I try not to complain because I know that there will be other times when he won't have work so it's important to get the income while it is available. But part of me thinks - even the president takes time off to be with his family. We're not going to get these summers back. Life is finite. And the best thing we can leave behind for those we love is good memories.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tattoos
I'm old school in a lot of my thinking - and I don't really believe in tattoos. My older son does though, and he has several of them. The other day he asked me if I would get one with him. Right away I said no! Honestly, I'm not just afraid of the commitment, but also the pain. (Not to mention that my husband would be "less than pleased" as he does not find tattoos attractive either.)
But a few weeks ago, as I was contemplating the approaching of 7/12/14, for about 5 minutes I entertained the idea of getting a tattoo. It would be simply "7/12/17". Somewhere where I could see it regularly to remind me to appreciate life in every moment. Maybe on the inside of my wrist. But I don't want it to be confused with any allusion to concentration camp tattoos.
And I imagined that when the coroner is doing an autopsy on me, and making note of distinguishing marks, they might see it and realize I had my death date tattooed on my arm. They might say, "huh, she knew all along".
Odd how human nature drives us to want to be right - even about one's own death.
And in the end (well, not THE end), I decided to order a bracelet from eBay in my favorite Brasil colors and wear it as if it were a tattoo.
But a few weeks ago, as I was contemplating the approaching of 7/12/14, for about 5 minutes I entertained the idea of getting a tattoo. It would be simply "7/12/17". Somewhere where I could see it regularly to remind me to appreciate life in every moment. Maybe on the inside of my wrist. But I don't want it to be confused with any allusion to concentration camp tattoos.
And I imagined that when the coroner is doing an autopsy on me, and making note of distinguishing marks, they might see it and realize I had my death date tattooed on my arm. They might say, "huh, she knew all along".
Odd how human nature drives us to want to be right - even about one's own death.
And in the end (well, not THE end), I decided to order a bracelet from eBay in my favorite Brasil colors and wear it as if it were a tattoo.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Grandchildren
Since I've been off for the summer, I've been trying to clean out closets and such. When my oldest children were young I had saved some of their best toys and imagined that one day I would pass them on to their children. Somehow those boxes got lost in a move...but this summer I found myself packing away some special toys and blankets I knitted for my youngest and some of my favorite clothes that he wore, thinking that one day I would enjoy caring for and playing with his children using those items.
You know, classic toys like Lincoln Logs and big chunky plastic cars with no batteries, games I made for him myself - customized to his life/world/preferences. Things that I would have loved to see from my parents childhood.
A few times I had to push away the little voice that wanted to shake me and scream at me, "Why are you doing all this - you're not going to have grandchildren in the next three years and after you die this is all going to get thrown away by people who don't share the same nostalgia."
You know, classic toys like Lincoln Logs and big chunky plastic cars with no batteries, games I made for him myself - customized to his life/world/preferences. Things that I would have loved to see from my parents childhood.
A few times I had to push away the little voice that wanted to shake me and scream at me, "Why are you doing all this - you're not going to have grandchildren in the next three years and after you die this is all going to get thrown away by people who don't share the same nostalgia."
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Anniversaries
My first husband died on 5/27/00. Now, three times a year, I am inflicted by thoughts of him and feelings of sadness and regret. His birthday, our wedding anniversary, and the date of his death. (On a side note - our wedding anniversary was yesterday and I didn't even think about it until 6:30 p.m. I used to see it as poor timing that our son was born on our anniversary - but now it provides a great distraction.)
I have moved on, have a happy new life, loving husband, etc. So it is a little illogical that I am plagued by sadness on those days. But I don't question the logic of the heart. At the same time that I wish it didn't bring me down - I also feel like it is a normal and rational reaction.
The day passes and I am back to normal the next day.
Apparently, for the next couple of years at least, I can add July 12th to the list of days that make me feel out of sorts. And when July 13th comes along I'll be back to normal.
My husband thought it was pretty silly of me this year to be upset on July 12th. Bible verses kept going through my head all day long about not being afraid. In my most logical and rational moments, I could admit that it is ridiculous to be afraid of dying. I've known dying is a part of living for as long as I can remember.
Maybe it's not the dying I'm afraid of - but the unknown. How will I die? Will I suffer? Will I have regrets?
I have moved on, have a happy new life, loving husband, etc. So it is a little illogical that I am plagued by sadness on those days. But I don't question the logic of the heart. At the same time that I wish it didn't bring me down - I also feel like it is a normal and rational reaction.
The day passes and I am back to normal the next day.
Apparently, for the next couple of years at least, I can add July 12th to the list of days that make me feel out of sorts. And when July 13th comes along I'll be back to normal.
My husband thought it was pretty silly of me this year to be upset on July 12th. Bible verses kept going through my head all day long about not being afraid. In my most logical and rational moments, I could admit that it is ridiculous to be afraid of dying. I've known dying is a part of living for as long as I can remember.
Maybe it's not the dying I'm afraid of - but the unknown. How will I die? Will I suffer? Will I have regrets?
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Chasing Life
There's a new show on ABC Family called Chasing Life with Italia Ricci. I saw commercials for it a few months ago - a young lady discovers she has cancer and, therefore, Chases Life. I set it to record all shows but I let four or five episodes record before I actually started watching it.
The commercials were intriguing to me because I felt I might REALLY identify with the character. But the whole show was intimidating to me BECAUSE I might one day identify with the character.
I do enjoy the show though - and the relationships it portrays, and the cast. SO - pay attention all you TV execs - I like this show (that's like the kiss of death for a TV show, if I like it the show doesn't go past one season - if my husband discovers it, it's a hit a la Breaking Bad).
As I watch the show, I try and just enjoy the show for the show's sake but once or twice an episode my brain tells itself to make a mental note about a feeling or a situation the character goes through. The character has leukemia. They talk about "cancer perks" just like the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. As much as I like free stuff - I would rather not get cancer perks.
I really don't think I'm a hypochondriac nor am I one of those people who hears of an ailment and tries to make it theirs - but neither do I want to stick my head in the sand and think it can't happen to me.
So, in the middle of my Chasing Life binging (6 episodes in a week) I finally got around to getting some lab results that I'd done in April to my doctor. I didn't think it was a big deal because I'd done some in March that were doctor ordered. Then my employer offered free tests in April so I did that one too - anxious to see if the Garcinia Cambogia I was trying out made a difference (it didn't). BUT - apparently the employer tested things the doctor didn't. The nurse called and said my platelets were low and they sent me orders to do more labs in 3 months - specifically to check platelets. I fluffed it off for less than 24 hours then I took to the internet to see what low platelets could mean. Well, it could mean a lot of things - including leukemia.
As much as I want the next three years to be slow and drug out - I'm a little anxious for three months to pass so I can re-test.
The commercials were intriguing to me because I felt I might REALLY identify with the character. But the whole show was intimidating to me BECAUSE I might one day identify with the character.
I do enjoy the show though - and the relationships it portrays, and the cast. SO - pay attention all you TV execs - I like this show (that's like the kiss of death for a TV show, if I like it the show doesn't go past one season - if my husband discovers it, it's a hit a la Breaking Bad).
As I watch the show, I try and just enjoy the show for the show's sake but once or twice an episode my brain tells itself to make a mental note about a feeling or a situation the character goes through. The character has leukemia. They talk about "cancer perks" just like the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. As much as I like free stuff - I would rather not get cancer perks.
I really don't think I'm a hypochondriac nor am I one of those people who hears of an ailment and tries to make it theirs - but neither do I want to stick my head in the sand and think it can't happen to me.
So, in the middle of my Chasing Life binging (6 episodes in a week) I finally got around to getting some lab results that I'd done in April to my doctor. I didn't think it was a big deal because I'd done some in March that were doctor ordered. Then my employer offered free tests in April so I did that one too - anxious to see if the Garcinia Cambogia I was trying out made a difference (it didn't). BUT - apparently the employer tested things the doctor didn't. The nurse called and said my platelets were low and they sent me orders to do more labs in 3 months - specifically to check platelets. I fluffed it off for less than 24 hours then I took to the internet to see what low platelets could mean. Well, it could mean a lot of things - including leukemia.
As much as I want the next three years to be slow and drug out - I'm a little anxious for three months to pass so I can re-test.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Three Years to Go
In three years from the day I write this (not necessarily the day I post this), it will be THE day. This occurred to me about 4 days ago. And I felt a little panic.
Last night my 8 year old had a terrible night. Up at 11:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep. Then up again at 2:30, got himself a cheese stick in the kitchen because he thought maybe eating something would help. I sat with him in his room and read to him until 3:15. He was awake again by 6:15 am (on July 12th). After I went back to bed at 3:15 a.m. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come. Was it a coincidence that this night, leading into THE day, was the first bad night he's had in years? (For the first 3 years of his life EVERY night was a bad night, and then it was hit or miss for a couple of years - but I thought we had pretty much conquered his sleeping issues due to a very, very bad case of RLS.) Obviously RLS is not life threatening so I don't think he's going to die from it in three years - but are his issues this night symbolic or predictive?
So today, 7/12/14 I'm just knocking around the house. Getting projects done, etc. But the date crosses my mind often. And I try to imagine if today were 3 years into the future, would I be content to just hang around the house like I said I would, anticipating a lunch date with my children. Today, in 2014, the answer is NO! I want to run, breathe, live, feel. I want to get out there and do it all - every last undone thing. Yet, at the same time, feel like it is not my last day on earth. Not dwell on the potential scariness. Which - how could I possibly do both? If I do anything special and out of the ordinary on 7/12/17, how can I trick my brain into not dwelling on the very reason I am doing it?
And then there is the totally unknown of will I even be able to do anything? Or will my last days be plagued by some ailment yet to come?
Last night my 8 year old had a terrible night. Up at 11:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep. Then up again at 2:30, got himself a cheese stick in the kitchen because he thought maybe eating something would help. I sat with him in his room and read to him until 3:15. He was awake again by 6:15 am (on July 12th). After I went back to bed at 3:15 a.m. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come. Was it a coincidence that this night, leading into THE day, was the first bad night he's had in years? (For the first 3 years of his life EVERY night was a bad night, and then it was hit or miss for a couple of years - but I thought we had pretty much conquered his sleeping issues due to a very, very bad case of RLS.) Obviously RLS is not life threatening so I don't think he's going to die from it in three years - but are his issues this night symbolic or predictive?
So today, 7/12/14 I'm just knocking around the house. Getting projects done, etc. But the date crosses my mind often. And I try to imagine if today were 3 years into the future, would I be content to just hang around the house like I said I would, anticipating a lunch date with my children. Today, in 2014, the answer is NO! I want to run, breathe, live, feel. I want to get out there and do it all - every last undone thing. Yet, at the same time, feel like it is not my last day on earth. Not dwell on the potential scariness. Which - how could I possibly do both? If I do anything special and out of the ordinary on 7/12/17, how can I trick my brain into not dwelling on the very reason I am doing it?
And then there is the totally unknown of will I even be able to do anything? Or will my last days be plagued by some ailment yet to come?
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Last Chances
Normally I am not a huge soccer fan. I like the sport but I don't actively follow it. Until it is a World Cup year. Then I pay a little attention. Sort of like I don't watch the SPURS until they get in the playoffs. And then I only feel the need to tune in for the last few minutes of the game.
But - back to soccer. My favorite soccer team in the world is Brasil. So I have been loving the World Cup this summer. Having lived in Brasil as an exchange student and still keeping in touch with "family" and friends there - I have felt more connected to them this summer than normal. Watching the soccer games and knowing they are happening in Brasil, seeing the scenes from Copacabana, the streets I have been on - it's like a little vacation in my mind.
Additionally, I threw my hat in the Sports Authority Bracket Challenge and actually won a $250 gift card in the group stage for doing well with my picks. But once the competition got to the quarter finals the Challenge turned into an actual bracket. So I picked Brasil to line up against Costa Rica in the finals.
Well - my bracket is busted all to heck. Today was the day Brasil lost 7 - 1 to Germany.
I felt for the Brasilian fans in the stadium with tears running down their faces. I wanted to be there to console my friends - and I wanted them to console me.
And then I realized - I may never see another World Cup. Because it only happens every 4 year - this is it. If 7/12/17 happens like I think it will - I will go to my grave never seeing my beloved team vanquish this great loss. I'm sure I will still rest easy in eternity - but it is strange to think I may have experienced the first "last time".
In 4 days it will be 3 years away. It still seems far off - but if I'm already experiencing a "last time" then it feels like things are just going to roll quickly from here on out.
But - back to soccer. My favorite soccer team in the world is Brasil. So I have been loving the World Cup this summer. Having lived in Brasil as an exchange student and still keeping in touch with "family" and friends there - I have felt more connected to them this summer than normal. Watching the soccer games and knowing they are happening in Brasil, seeing the scenes from Copacabana, the streets I have been on - it's like a little vacation in my mind.
Additionally, I threw my hat in the Sports Authority Bracket Challenge and actually won a $250 gift card in the group stage for doing well with my picks. But once the competition got to the quarter finals the Challenge turned into an actual bracket. So I picked Brasil to line up against Costa Rica in the finals.
Well - my bracket is busted all to heck. Today was the day Brasil lost 7 - 1 to Germany.
I felt for the Brasilian fans in the stadium with tears running down their faces. I wanted to be there to console my friends - and I wanted them to console me.
And then I realized - I may never see another World Cup. Because it only happens every 4 year - this is it. If 7/12/17 happens like I think it will - I will go to my grave never seeing my beloved team vanquish this great loss. I'm sure I will still rest easy in eternity - but it is strange to think I may have experienced the first "last time".
In 4 days it will be 3 years away. It still seems far off - but if I'm already experiencing a "last time" then it feels like things are just going to roll quickly from here on out.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Allow the Blessing
I'm not much of a gambler but it occurs to me that July 12, 2017 will be a Wednesday - maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. If that's the day that is going to change my life drastically - why not spend $1 or maybe $5. If I do die that day - I won't miss the money. And if something catastrophic or financially horrific happens, then an extra dollar or five on its own probably won't make much difference.
But I have heard several times in the past few years that we shouldn't shut ourselves off to the opportunity of God's blessing. My mom once told me a joke about a guy who was sitting on a rooftop with floodwater all around, praying to God to be rescued. Someone came by in a canoe and called out to him to get in and he said no thanks, God's going to rescue me. Then someone came by on a jet ski and called out to him but he waved them on. Finally a helicopter came and lowered a rope but he told them was waiting on God to rescue him. SO the guy died and went up to Heaven and he asked God why he didn't rescue him. God said, "What do you mean? I sent you a canoe, a jet ski and a helicopter."
Point being - don't be picky or wait for your expectation. Be open to new ideas and whatever God has in mind.
So if God wants to bless me with a lottery win - I'd better at least buy a ticket.
But I have heard several times in the past few years that we shouldn't shut ourselves off to the opportunity of God's blessing. My mom once told me a joke about a guy who was sitting on a rooftop with floodwater all around, praying to God to be rescued. Someone came by in a canoe and called out to him to get in and he said no thanks, God's going to rescue me. Then someone came by on a jet ski and called out to him but he waved them on. Finally a helicopter came and lowered a rope but he told them was waiting on God to rescue him. SO the guy died and went up to Heaven and he asked God why he didn't rescue him. God said, "What do you mean? I sent you a canoe, a jet ski and a helicopter."
Point being - don't be picky or wait for your expectation. Be open to new ideas and whatever God has in mind.
So if God wants to bless me with a lottery win - I'd better at least buy a ticket.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
An Imperial Affliction
The other day I was at the pool, enjoying a nice breeze on a summer day, watching my 8 year old do the water slides - OH MY GOSH, I suddenly notice that big freckle on my leg has undergone a significant change. It's doubled in size, it's darker, it's not a uniform shape - OH MY GOSH, this is it, this is the beginning, I have cancer in my leg, it's probably gone down to the bone, OKAY, OKAY, I said I'd rather lose a limb than have cancer. So I'll just go full on attack, just take off the leg, no chemo for me, no chance of radiation not getting it all, I'll learn to live with a prosthetic, I wonder how much time I'll have to take off work. I lean in for a closer look - oh, it's a leaf or something, it brushes right off - crisis averted (for now).
To be fair - I am currently reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and one of the main characters did lose a leg to cancer.
I worried about myself reading this book - but it was a book club selection so I obligate myself.
(Interested in my book reviews or book club info - see www.bedtimebookreview.com)
To be fair - I am currently reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and one of the main characters did lose a leg to cancer.
I worried about myself reading this book - but it was a book club selection so I obligate myself.
(Interested in my book reviews or book club info - see www.bedtimebookreview.com)
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Bucket Lists
My 8 year old heard a musical ice cream truck for the first time the other day and he said, "Now that's one thing I can cross off my bucket list." I chuckled at the idea of an 8 year old having a bucket list but thought it was a pretty great moment to share with him - hearing his first ice cream truck. (Almost as good as eating ice cream with him.)
Later that day we went to the library. On the way out I was thinking of all the books I have on my shelf, and all the additional books I have on my "booket" list and felt a momentary panic at the thought that I wouldn't be able to read them all before I die. Even if I still have 50 years on this earth, it is unrealistic to think I would ever read them all. Especially because I add to it at a greater rate than I subtract from it.
Then I chuckled at myself. It's all pretty ludicrous. I read as a pass-time. I like the escape it gives me.
Escape from what? That's the thing. I'm generally happy with my life - so why do I want to escape it?
But isn't that what any hobby is? Whether it is losing yourself in music, or crafts, or volunteering (okay, that does make the world a better place) or flying model helicopters, or following a sports team, or whatever - it is all a pass-time, an escape from the mundane. Even watching TV transports you into someone else's life or some other alternate reality.
And it all fills our time until we really do escape this world. Whether or not I read all the books on my list, there will come a day when I will get off this planet. And I will leave behind books unread, recipes untried, words unsaid, vistas unseen, blogs unt....
JUST KIDDING - I'm still here, at least until July 12, 2017.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Headaches
The worst headache I have ever had was when I was in Brasil. I had three host families during my year there. One I still call family to this day. One was like a sorority house and one was just a place to crash. So it was in the middle one that I had a really bad headache. Even as I was lying on the sofa in agony I was aware that if I had been at home at that moment the headache would not have seemed so horrible.
Recently, on a Saturday, I didn't feel quite right. My right arm was achy and I felt nasuea in the morning. On top of that was the stress of getting everyone out the door in time to have our weekly trip to the gym to workout before a family event. I kept thinking to myself that I only needed to worry if it was my left arm that ached.
As I was doing my crunches I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice me on the floor if I passed out or started having convulsions. And how would they match me up with my family since I didn't have an ID on me.
At the family event I took some Excedrin and started to feel better. The rest of the day proceeded fine. Until 3 a.m. I awoke from my dream of being barefoot at work and realized I had a bad headache. I thought about taking some more Excedrin but my husband is a light sleeper and I didn't want to bother him. So I tried to massage it away - which is about like trying to tickle yourself.
Lying there in a quiet house, taking stock of any other symptom and wondering if this was going to wind up as an E.R. trip, I concluded that headaches seem more intense when I am lonely. I suppose it is as simple as lack of distraction allowing more focus on the pain. I began to repeat to myself, "71217" - assuring myself that I would survive this headache. Then I wondered if it was the beginning of a brain tumor.
Finally my husband stirred and I got some Excedrin and tried to be patient as I waited for it to kick in. Thankfully I don't suffer from migraines - but I feel for those that do.
Recently, on a Saturday, I didn't feel quite right. My right arm was achy and I felt nasuea in the morning. On top of that was the stress of getting everyone out the door in time to have our weekly trip to the gym to workout before a family event. I kept thinking to myself that I only needed to worry if it was my left arm that ached.
As I was doing my crunches I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice me on the floor if I passed out or started having convulsions. And how would they match me up with my family since I didn't have an ID on me.
At the family event I took some Excedrin and started to feel better. The rest of the day proceeded fine. Until 3 a.m. I awoke from my dream of being barefoot at work and realized I had a bad headache. I thought about taking some more Excedrin but my husband is a light sleeper and I didn't want to bother him. So I tried to massage it away - which is about like trying to tickle yourself.
Lying there in a quiet house, taking stock of any other symptom and wondering if this was going to wind up as an E.R. trip, I concluded that headaches seem more intense when I am lonely. I suppose it is as simple as lack of distraction allowing more focus on the pain. I began to repeat to myself, "71217" - assuring myself that I would survive this headache. Then I wondered if it was the beginning of a brain tumor.
Finally my husband stirred and I got some Excedrin and tried to be patient as I waited for it to kick in. Thankfully I don't suffer from migraines - but I feel for those that do.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The Need to Know
I find it interesting that God created us as curious beings and one of the things people are most curious about is God. Why did He create us? What is our purpose here? What is His plan for me? What is Heaven like and will I go there? And, as in my previous post, What's it all for? How do my deeds and actions fit into the grand scheme? My faith tells me that I am, in general, where I need to be and doing what I need to do. But my humanness wants confirmation of that. I'm okay without the worldly measures of success like mansions and money. I hope that when I get to Heaven I can look down and see the paths of my footprints and from there the paths that others were able to take. But my personal beliefs tell me that when I get to Heaven, the knowledge of my worldly impact will no longer be important to me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
The Road Not Taken
14 years ago Yesterday my life changed dramatically. I was married with 2 kids, a dog, 2 cars in the garage of a nice house, a good job, etc. when all of a sudden I wasn't married anymore but instead a widow - single mom of 2 young children with no alternating weekends off.
I remember a few days after the funeral I stood up in front of my church family and said "I can't wait to see what God has planned for us next". Even as the words left my mouth it all felt a little surreal and my brain wondered if it wasn't somehow irreverent (to God or my late husband). But I felt like I had been on a good path before and my faith was strong enough to believe I was still on a good path - just a different path.
Many times through the years I have wondered what my life would be like now if I had been allowed to stay on my original path. Sometimes I feel like I've traveled on two or three or more paths since leaving that first one. The first change of direction was a big jolt, but the subsequent ones have been easier to bear - sometimes I didn't even notice the fork in the road.
Whatever 7/12/17 holds for me, I believe it will be a drastic, journey-shifting change. I don't have a GPS for the roads of life, but I feel like I'm getting pretty good at navigating them. I pray that I can be as eager to see how this new journey goes as I was 14 years ago.
I remember a few days after the funeral I stood up in front of my church family and said "I can't wait to see what God has planned for us next". Even as the words left my mouth it all felt a little surreal and my brain wondered if it wasn't somehow irreverent (to God or my late husband). But I felt like I had been on a good path before and my faith was strong enough to believe I was still on a good path - just a different path.
Many times through the years I have wondered what my life would be like now if I had been allowed to stay on my original path. Sometimes I feel like I've traveled on two or three or more paths since leaving that first one. The first change of direction was a big jolt, but the subsequent ones have been easier to bear - sometimes I didn't even notice the fork in the road.
Whatever 7/12/17 holds for me, I believe it will be a drastic, journey-shifting change. I don't have a GPS for the roads of life, but I feel like I'm getting pretty good at navigating them. I pray that I can be as eager to see how this new journey goes as I was 14 years ago.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
What it's all for?
When I was 17 and applied to be an exchange student, I wanted to go to Europe. Instead I was assigned to Brazil. Since then I've often thought that surely I got that assignment for a reason. I'm still waiting for the day that I'm able to save somebody's life, just for knowing Portuguese. But, the closer I get to 7/12/17, I think maybe that day will never come. Maybe I'll never know why I learned Portuguese.
Maybe it's not for anything heroic. Maybe knowing Portuguese, or just having the experience shaped me in a way that made me more interesting and thereby enabled my husband to be drawn to me. And from there my kids exist and maybe they will do something significant. Or maybe I've affected somebody and didn't know it. Maybe someone in Brazil is different for me having been there. Knowing Portuguese allowed me to get jobs speaking Spanish, including my current job as an aide to ninth grade students. I'd like to think that somewhere, across a whole school year and forty students plus, I had a positive, lasting effect on someone. And if that was my whole purpose in life - I guess I'd call that success.
Maybe it's not for anything heroic. Maybe knowing Portuguese, or just having the experience shaped me in a way that made me more interesting and thereby enabled my husband to be drawn to me. And from there my kids exist and maybe they will do something significant. Or maybe I've affected somebody and didn't know it. Maybe someone in Brazil is different for me having been there. Knowing Portuguese allowed me to get jobs speaking Spanish, including my current job as an aide to ninth grade students. I'd like to think that somewhere, across a whole school year and forty students plus, I had a positive, lasting effect on someone. And if that was my whole purpose in life - I guess I'd call that success.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
What will Heaven be like?
Surely throughout my life I have heard many ideas about what Heaven will be like. Streets paved with gold, a mansion, "a big, big house with lots and lots of rooms and a big, big table with lots and lots of food" (Audio Adrenaline).
The other day in church the priest was saying that people often ask if they will recognize their loved ones because they worry about not being able to reconnect with someone who has already died. That led me to wonder - what if that little baby that was the twin to my youngest but didn't continue to mature, what if it recognizes me and I don't remember it?
But the image of Heaven that I like most of all is like at the end of Titanic when Rose (Kate Winslet) goes up the stairs and Jack's (Leonardo DiCaprio's) hand reaches out to her. That's the kind of welcome I'm looking forward to.
The other day in church the priest was saying that people often ask if they will recognize their loved ones because they worry about not being able to reconnect with someone who has already died. That led me to wonder - what if that little baby that was the twin to my youngest but didn't continue to mature, what if it recognizes me and I don't remember it?
But the image of Heaven that I like most of all is like at the end of Titanic when Rose (Kate Winslet) goes up the stairs and Jack's (Leonardo DiCaprio's) hand reaches out to her. That's the kind of welcome I'm looking forward to.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Watching Cancer
Someone I work with has cancer - again. She left yesterday for a medical leave. She has a really great attitude. She said it's just something annoying she has to go deal with and she'll be back. I really think she will. And as I watch her valiantly tell the staff and others, I just can't imagine I could hold it together that well if it were me. I think attitude makes a huge difference in battling a disease like cancer so just for that alone - I'm sure she will win the fight. Maybe it's something that you just don't know until you're in it how you will respond. Maybe if I ever do get cancer I'll be able to rise up and be strong - but I just don't think so. Therefore, it still remains my biggest fear. And right now my biggest prayer is for this strong lady to return to health. Maybe I should also start praying for cures and prevention tactics.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Classic White Car
I live in the country with no neighbors to speak of. Once a week, on my way to the town where my son goes to school and I work, I take the recycling to our collection site. This occurs on Friday. At work on Friday we can wear jeans if we wear a school t-shirt. One Thursday evening I did laundry so I could wear a school shirt a co-worker had given me earlier in the week.
That night I dream that I am getting ready to leave in the morning and forgot to load up the recycling. As I rush around in my pink sweater, turtleneck, skirt and heels (an outfit I actually own but would never wear to work) I realize I had forgot to wear the shirt that I had intentionally washed last night. My neighbor pulls up in a classic car, pristine white and points out that there is a classic white truck in her garage. As I ask her if I should move it out of her garage I wonder to myself why I even think it is my responsibility. She indicates that she knows whose it is and that they are inside her house so I get in her car and we are suddenly driving through a flea market looking for someone who, in the dream is known to both of us, and in actuality is one of my students. We need to find him because he is going to give us a discount on a joint cell phone plan. I see several other students, who are his friends, but we never find him.
The next morning as I drive to work I pass that classic white car of my dream neighbor. In the three years of driving around this town, the same route to the school - I have NEVER seen that car.
That night I dream that I am getting ready to leave in the morning and forgot to load up the recycling. As I rush around in my pink sweater, turtleneck, skirt and heels (an outfit I actually own but would never wear to work) I realize I had forgot to wear the shirt that I had intentionally washed last night. My neighbor pulls up in a classic car, pristine white and points out that there is a classic white truck in her garage. As I ask her if I should move it out of her garage I wonder to myself why I even think it is my responsibility. She indicates that she knows whose it is and that they are inside her house so I get in her car and we are suddenly driving through a flea market looking for someone who, in the dream is known to both of us, and in actuality is one of my students. We need to find him because he is going to give us a discount on a joint cell phone plan. I see several other students, who are his friends, but we never find him.
The next morning as I drive to work I pass that classic white car of my dream neighbor. In the three years of driving around this town, the same route to the school - I have NEVER seen that car.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Follow Dreams When You Are Young
My 20 year old son wants to be a musician. He's got the heart of an artist and little by little he is making his way in the music world - in addition to his day job, and his evening job. Currently he's promoting his first CD.
My mother always joked about how horrible it would be if a child wanted to grow up to be a musician.
Not me - when I'm shopping in WalMart listening to my iPod and one of my son's songs comes on - I imagine how I would feel if it was on the Muzak over the whole store. I think I would stop other shoppers and tell them that was my son.
But overall, whether he makes it or he doesn't, I'm so glad he is trying now to achieve his dreams while he is young. I wish I had had his courage when I was that age. I've known since I was 12 I wanted to be a writer. And what do I have to show for that dream?
Live your life with no regrets - try everything and even if you fail, at least you'll have the success of having tried and not the eternal wondering of "what if I had tried".
My mother always joked about how horrible it would be if a child wanted to grow up to be a musician.
Not me - when I'm shopping in WalMart listening to my iPod and one of my son's songs comes on - I imagine how I would feel if it was on the Muzak over the whole store. I think I would stop other shoppers and tell them that was my son.
But overall, whether he makes it or he doesn't, I'm so glad he is trying now to achieve his dreams while he is young. I wish I had had his courage when I was that age. I've known since I was 12 I wanted to be a writer. And what do I have to show for that dream?
Live your life with no regrets - try everything and even if you fail, at least you'll have the success of having tried and not the eternal wondering of "what if I had tried".
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
If I Live That Long
My husband and I reached our tenth wedding anniversary this year. At our church, once a month they call up the people who are having birthdays or anniversaries in the month and say a special blessing for them. My husband does not like a lot of attention though so we never go up. I had hoped maybe since it was our tenth he would agree to go up but he did not. After church he said we'd go up for our fiftieth. So I told him we had a date in forty more years but a little voice at the back of my head laughed at myself and I realized how silly it sounded to think that I was going to live another forty years.
This thought pops into my head at other times too. Is it a form of self-protection? Or a realistic reminder of what my subconcious knows is yet to come?
This thought pops into my head at other times too. Is it a form of self-protection? Or a realistic reminder of what my subconcious knows is yet to come?
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Zip Code
It occurs to me that as July 12, 2017 is written on the blog url it looks like a zip code. Turns out the zip code belongs to Monroe, Louisiana. Specifically to a PO box. Because I have a PO box I understand that sometimes a zip code belongs only to a set of boxes in a postal station and no other places - as is the case with this one. Monroe is now on my radar - if I was offered a trip there it would be a priority. But it is not high on my intentional vacation list.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Goshen
I woke up from a dream with a strong sense of the word Goshen. I know it is a place in the Bible, but don't know much about it. So I Google it. There are several U.S. cities named Goshen. I like the Wikipedia description of the Land of Goshen. It has to do with Joseph the Dreamer and his people being told to go to Goshen and wait. It is a rich environment for them, as far as resources go.
My Google search also shows me a college in northern Indiana, liberal arts with a lot of foreign attendees. The kind of college I would have loved if I had known it existed when I was in college. Coincidentally my older son has recently been talking to me about going back to school so we are coming up with a list of potential schools. This one is now on the list - although probably unrealistic because he wants to do distance learning but at least it is on the list - just in case.
My Google search also shows me a college in northern Indiana, liberal arts with a lot of foreign attendees. The kind of college I would have loved if I had known it existed when I was in college. Coincidentally my older son has recently been talking to me about going back to school so we are coming up with a list of potential schools. This one is now on the list - although probably unrealistic because he wants to do distance learning but at least it is on the list - just in case.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
False End of the World Claims
In my lifetime I have seen several false end of the world claims. Like the California cult (Heaven's Gate, was it?) or the supposed Mayan Calendar experts who predict a day the world will end and it comes and goes with nary an earthquake.
If I am called to speak out about this date, if my platform is expanded, maybe that will be the journey I don't want to go on. Because after other false predictions, any subsequent prediction is automatically met with a certain amount of skepticism. In fact, if there had ever been a successful prediction then we wouldn't be here now. I would not welcome the criticism and ridicule. I don't mind a respectful, healthy conversation but I certainly don't want to be laughed at or spoken cruelly of.
And what if nothing happens? What if I don't die? Will I be let down? No.
Because there is not an alternate universe where I can run a control group and see what would happen if I didn't receive the dream. What if receiving the dream causes me to make different choices on that day and unknowingly save my life? What if by staying home in the evening I avoid a fatal car crash? These are answers which I know I'll never know. And I'm okay with that. Just knowing that I'm living a faithful life and trying to follow directions as best I can is enough for me.
If I am called to speak out about this date, if my platform is expanded, maybe that will be the journey I don't want to go on. Because after other false predictions, any subsequent prediction is automatically met with a certain amount of skepticism. In fact, if there had ever been a successful prediction then we wouldn't be here now. I would not welcome the criticism and ridicule. I don't mind a respectful, healthy conversation but I certainly don't want to be laughed at or spoken cruelly of.
And what if nothing happens? What if I don't die? Will I be let down? No.
Because there is not an alternate universe where I can run a control group and see what would happen if I didn't receive the dream. What if receiving the dream causes me to make different choices on that day and unknowingly save my life? What if by staying home in the evening I avoid a fatal car crash? These are answers which I know I'll never know. And I'm okay with that. Just knowing that I'm living a faithful life and trying to follow directions as best I can is enough for me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Could it be the End of the World?
My older son texted me one day to call him one morning if I was available before he went to work. I thought he wanted to continue the college discussion we'd been having the day before. But he said he'd awoken early and been doing some thinking and wondered if maybe my mystery date is the day the world will end. Or, the beginning of the end
While we've both grown up in the church his understanding of the book of Revelation is much greater than mine. But we've both read the Left Behind series and while fully aware that it is fictionalized it is at least a frame of reference.
So am I trying to say that God has suddenly chosen me as a prophet? Little old me without a platform to speak from except this blog? Seems unlikely - huh? But this is God we are talking about. The same God who chose young little inexperienced Mary to be the mother of the Savior of the World.
So, why not me? If God wants to expand the platform, He can do that. It crossed my mind the other day when I tried to call KLOVE to comment on the football player who said God told him to leave the draft. As the phone was ringing and ringing I thought that if God really wanted to draw attention to this message - the phone would be answered. But, it wasn't. So either He doesn't or it's just not the right time. I'm not really going to worry about it unless I have a clear direction from God.
While we've both grown up in the church his understanding of the book of Revelation is much greater than mine. But we've both read the Left Behind series and while fully aware that it is fictionalized it is at least a frame of reference.
So am I trying to say that God has suddenly chosen me as a prophet? Little old me without a platform to speak from except this blog? Seems unlikely - huh? But this is God we are talking about. The same God who chose young little inexperienced Mary to be the mother of the Savior of the World.
So, why not me? If God wants to expand the platform, He can do that. It crossed my mind the other day when I tried to call KLOVE to comment on the football player who said God told him to leave the draft. As the phone was ringing and ringing I thought that if God really wanted to draw attention to this message - the phone would be answered. But, it wasn't. So either He doesn't or it's just not the right time. I'm not really going to worry about it unless I have a clear direction from God.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
What to do on THE DAY
What will I do on July 12, 2017? Assuming I'm healthy and life is as I know it today, how will I spend my potential last day? If it were tomorrow I would plan to meet my older 2 children for lunch, someplace reasonable because if I survive the day I don't want to totally blow my diet or pocketbook. And if I don't survive then I'll be feasting on everything in Heaven from then on out so how could anything on earth possibly taste so sweet? And why blow big bucks on sonething temporary instead of leaving a few extra dollars for my kids to inherit and buy something lasting?
After lunch I want to go home and play games with my little boy, who will be 11 then. After a couple games I want to pop popcorn, crack open our favorite soda, and cuddle up on the sofa for a movie.
After my husband is done working we'll have a quiet dinner at home, maybe one of my favorites - Amercanized Beazilian Feijoada. Maybe splurge a little on dessert - even though it will be Wednesday and we usually save desserts for weekends. Then just sit quietly together and watch some TV or read. Usually on summer nights we swim after dinner but it's not my favorite thing to do although by then the little one will be able to touch the bottom so maybe it will be more fun.
Then if it is my date of expiration I can just slip away quietly in my sleep.
And if it's not, then I'll celebrate big the next day.
Even if I had free theme park tickets, my frugal self might want to use them on the 12th before they go to waste but deep down I know those days are draining and I'd rather spend my last hours relaxed and really tuned in to each other. If I survive we can go to the theme park the next day and celebrate. And if I don't then they can go without me and cheer themselves up with the temporary distraction.
After lunch I want to go home and play games with my little boy, who will be 11 then. After a couple games I want to pop popcorn, crack open our favorite soda, and cuddle up on the sofa for a movie.
After my husband is done working we'll have a quiet dinner at home, maybe one of my favorites - Amercanized Beazilian Feijoada. Maybe splurge a little on dessert - even though it will be Wednesday and we usually save desserts for weekends. Then just sit quietly together and watch some TV or read. Usually on summer nights we swim after dinner but it's not my favorite thing to do although by then the little one will be able to touch the bottom so maybe it will be more fun.
Then if it is my date of expiration I can just slip away quietly in my sleep.
And if it's not, then I'll celebrate big the next day.
Even if I had free theme park tickets, my frugal self might want to use them on the 12th before they go to waste but deep down I know those days are draining and I'd rather spend my last hours relaxed and really tuned in to each other. If I survive we can go to the theme park the next day and celebrate. And if I don't then they can go without me and cheer themselves up with the temporary distraction.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
To Speak or Not To Speak
I just heard an interesting conversation on K-LOVE (Christian) radio station this morning. It started with Adam Muema who left the NFL Combine because God told him to in a dream and that if he did he'd be drafted by Seattle. Well, you know that peaked my interest!
The DJs then went on to compare the situation to Joseph. Apparently Adam is catching a lot of flack for publicly speaking about his decision. (Google him and read the comments - they do seem rather mean and intolerant of religion.) But, a similar thing happened to Joseph of the Bible. God told him he would be a ruler and when Joseph told his brothers, they got jealous and threw him into a well. They were going to leave him for dead but instead they got greedy too and sold him into slavery. Then they told their dad he had died. As the story turns out though, Joseph did come to rule over them.
So the debate was on - if God tells you something, should you speak it out loud, or is it supposed to be between you and God? And, perhaps more important, whether you talk about it or not is probably irrelevant because if God said it will happen, then it will happen - one way or another.
It has crossed my mind more than once since starting this blog, what if I faithfully make a weekly post for the next 3 years, 4 1/2 months and 7/12/17 comes along and nothing happens? But, I think as humans, even back when Joseph was a human, if GOD talks to you - it's big. It is in our nature to talk about it. Heck, pick your favorite pop-star or actor. If they spoke to you - wouldn't you tell everyone about it. If Hugh Grant or Billy Joel or Sting called me up - I'd be telling everyone about it. So how much more are we eager to tell people when GOD talks to us? Because He is even bigger than anyone on earth! (Whole other discussion about we are all children of God, all equal in His eyes so Hugh Grant is no more of a wow than the lady in the grocery story check out line talking to me.)
The DJs then went on to compare the situation to Joseph. Apparently Adam is catching a lot of flack for publicly speaking about his decision. (Google him and read the comments - they do seem rather mean and intolerant of religion.) But, a similar thing happened to Joseph of the Bible. God told him he would be a ruler and when Joseph told his brothers, they got jealous and threw him into a well. They were going to leave him for dead but instead they got greedy too and sold him into slavery. Then they told their dad he had died. As the story turns out though, Joseph did come to rule over them.
So the debate was on - if God tells you something, should you speak it out loud, or is it supposed to be between you and God? And, perhaps more important, whether you talk about it or not is probably irrelevant because if God said it will happen, then it will happen - one way or another.
It has crossed my mind more than once since starting this blog, what if I faithfully make a weekly post for the next 3 years, 4 1/2 months and 7/12/17 comes along and nothing happens? But, I think as humans, even back when Joseph was a human, if GOD talks to you - it's big. It is in our nature to talk about it. Heck, pick your favorite pop-star or actor. If they spoke to you - wouldn't you tell everyone about it. If Hugh Grant or Billy Joel or Sting called me up - I'd be telling everyone about it. So how much more are we eager to tell people when GOD talks to us? Because He is even bigger than anyone on earth! (Whole other discussion about we are all children of God, all equal in His eyes so Hugh Grant is no more of a wow than the lady in the grocery story check out line talking to me.)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
A Poem
I saw this poem in the San Antonio Express News on 1/26/14 and found it to be so true.
Not Yet!
Pains and aches
and all that rakes
you over the coals
at night.
You're getting' old,
Startin' to mold,
and death becomes
a fright.
I don't know why
I want to cry
at all I'll leave
behind.
I'm really pissed
at what I missed
and never did
quite find.
And so it goes,
no one knows
what will happen
next.
What will be
will be, you see.
It's anybody's
guess.
You could leave
and be bereaved
without a warning
shot.
So we prepare
with every care
and still yell
Not yet! Not!
And still yell
NOT YET! NOT!
by Damon V. Tapp
Not Yet!
Pains and aches
and all that rakes
you over the coals
at night.
You're getting' old,
Startin' to mold,
and death becomes
a fright.
I don't know why
I want to cry
at all I'll leave
behind.
I'm really pissed
at what I missed
and never did
quite find.
And so it goes,
no one knows
what will happen
next.
What will be
will be, you see.
It's anybody's
guess.
You could leave
and be bereaved
without a warning
shot.
So we prepare
with every care
and still yell
Not yet! Not!
And still yell
NOT YET! NOT!
by Damon V. Tapp
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Planning Ahead
I like couponing, not in an extreme way but I do have a small stockpile, a binder, and a database of all my coupons. I've decided that in 2017 I will take a break from couponing. Although I believe that couponing is good for the family budget, it does take time. And for the first six and a half months of 2017 I'd rather spend that time making memories. I realize the large part of my coupon collection will go out of date with that many months away from it so that if I survive I'll have to start collecting from almost zero. What bothers me more is that, other than the knowledge and skill I've already passed on to my daughter, I won't be able to pass on the physical legacy to my daughter. Maybe I'll just turn it over to her at the beginning of the year.
I will NOT give up my book club. It's one evening a month and I strongly believe that it is important for a woman to have a circle of friends she can depend upon when tragedy strikes. I came to this conclusion after my first husband died. I had spent all my free time devoted to him and our children. So when he died I looked around and suddenly realized I had no friends - for grown up conversation, to have my back with raising children, or anything else. Thank God a group of women from my church stepped up and quickly became my friends. But I promised myself I'd never be in that friendless situation again. It's not the only reason I go to book club but it is definitely a contributing factor. And since I don't know what the life changing event will be I want to be prepared for a variety of possible outcomes.
Maybe I'll use some of the non-couponing time to scrapbook. By that time I'll only be 10 years behind on the family albums if I don't get to them in the meantime. It has definitely moved up my priority list a bit. And all the yarn I've squirreled away to make blankets for future grandchildren. I'd planned to get them made up early but that's not happening as much as I'd hoped either.
And for the last several years I've been meaning to update my outdated will. That will definitely occur in early 2017.
But until then I'm operating business as usual until I receive more information.
I will NOT give up my book club. It's one evening a month and I strongly believe that it is important for a woman to have a circle of friends she can depend upon when tragedy strikes. I came to this conclusion after my first husband died. I had spent all my free time devoted to him and our children. So when he died I looked around and suddenly realized I had no friends - for grown up conversation, to have my back with raising children, or anything else. Thank God a group of women from my church stepped up and quickly became my friends. But I promised myself I'd never be in that friendless situation again. It's not the only reason I go to book club but it is definitely a contributing factor. And since I don't know what the life changing event will be I want to be prepared for a variety of possible outcomes.
Maybe I'll use some of the non-couponing time to scrapbook. By that time I'll only be 10 years behind on the family albums if I don't get to them in the meantime. It has definitely moved up my priority list a bit. And all the yarn I've squirreled away to make blankets for future grandchildren. I'd planned to get them made up early but that's not happening as much as I'd hoped either.
And for the last several years I've been meaning to update my outdated will. That will definitely occur in early 2017.
But until then I'm operating business as usual until I receive more information.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Peace of Mind
I'm a glass half full type of person. But this date looming in my future can be rather unsettling. There are so many arguments on both sides of the knowing and not knowing. A date like this is something some people might think they want to know, until you do - and then you can't unknow it and it messes with your head.
I think it is human nature, no matter how much one has accomplished, to think that there is more they want to do. We forget that in the next world there will be no guilty feeling over what we left undone.
Sometimes, though, I can find comfort in knowing thus date. Last week I didn't feel well one evening. As I sat on the sofa and wondered if all my symptoms added up to anything I could relax a bit knowing that whatever I was feeling - it wasn't going to kill me. At least not yet. Or narrowly missing a traffic accident. At least I know if I do get in a wreck it won't be fatal. Not immediately anyway. It may be the start of the journey I'm still waiting for - but it won't be the immediate end since I still need to be here on July 12, 2017.
At least I think I do. Maybe I will have a fatal accident and that is the date my family will finally get justice by seeing the cause of the accident get sentenced.
See how it messes with your head!
I think it is human nature, no matter how much one has accomplished, to think that there is more they want to do. We forget that in the next world there will be no guilty feeling over what we left undone.
Sometimes, though, I can find comfort in knowing thus date. Last week I didn't feel well one evening. As I sat on the sofa and wondered if all my symptoms added up to anything I could relax a bit knowing that whatever I was feeling - it wasn't going to kill me. At least not yet. Or narrowly missing a traffic accident. At least I know if I do get in a wreck it won't be fatal. Not immediately anyway. It may be the start of the journey I'm still waiting for - but it won't be the immediate end since I still need to be here on July 12, 2017.
At least I think I do. Maybe I will have a fatal accident and that is the date my family will finally get justice by seeing the cause of the accident get sentenced.
See how it messes with your head!
Friday, January 31, 2014
A Christmas Present
Now we are at the reason I write this blog. The dream I had between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, 2013.
In waking life I work at a school and am assigned to work specifically with 40 students.
In my dream I am at the school and walking towards the back area where my classroom is located. A student who is familiar to me, but not one I work directly with, approaches me with a gift. We enter an area that is suddenly more like a little corner neighborhood bar in Brazil and I open the gift. On the front it is some sort of beer advertisement but thick and solid. On the back it is a perpetual calendar and the date is set to July 12, 2017. It is a completely non-threatening situation but when I look at the date I am suddenly filled with knowledge and understanding that it will be the date I die. I look to the student and receive confirmation in his peaceful face.
Immediately when I wake I begin saying the date over and over to myself so that I won't forget it. My mind races with thoughts. How far away is it? Three and a half years. That's enough time to wrap up loose ends, but I don't think I 'll be ready to die then. How old will my children be? What do I mean I won't be ready to die! Heaven is on the other side of death - is there ever a bad time to go to Heaven? But my kids - is there ever a good age for a child to lose a parent? But how conceited of me to think that I know better than God what my kids need.
Now I am more awake and I try to talk myself into other meanings. Maybe it's not me, maybe someone else will die that day. Maybe just something big will happen. Maybe the house will burn down but we'll all be safe. Maybe I'll lose my job that day - the death of a job. But my job is in a school, kind of hard to lose it during the summer break. Maybe I'll have a different job by then. Maybe that is the day I will be told I'm cancer free.
What will I do that day? Should I stay home and avoid danger? But what if a plane crashes on the house. Can I avoid my destiny? What I won't do is run all around the world like in the movie The Bucket List. I want that day to be a quiet day at home with my family.
In waking life I work at a school and am assigned to work specifically with 40 students.
In my dream I am at the school and walking towards the back area where my classroom is located. A student who is familiar to me, but not one I work directly with, approaches me with a gift. We enter an area that is suddenly more like a little corner neighborhood bar in Brazil and I open the gift. On the front it is some sort of beer advertisement but thick and solid. On the back it is a perpetual calendar and the date is set to July 12, 2017. It is a completely non-threatening situation but when I look at the date I am suddenly filled with knowledge and understanding that it will be the date I die. I look to the student and receive confirmation in his peaceful face.
Immediately when I wake I begin saying the date over and over to myself so that I won't forget it. My mind races with thoughts. How far away is it? Three and a half years. That's enough time to wrap up loose ends, but I don't think I 'll be ready to die then. How old will my children be? What do I mean I won't be ready to die! Heaven is on the other side of death - is there ever a bad time to go to Heaven? But my kids - is there ever a good age for a child to lose a parent? But how conceited of me to think that I know better than God what my kids need.
Now I am more awake and I try to talk myself into other meanings. Maybe it's not me, maybe someone else will die that day. Maybe just something big will happen. Maybe the house will burn down but we'll all be safe. Maybe I'll lose my job that day - the death of a job. But my job is in a school, kind of hard to lose it during the summer break. Maybe I'll have a different job by then. Maybe that is the day I will be told I'm cancer free.
What will I do that day? Should I stay home and avoid danger? But what if a plane crashes on the house. Can I avoid my destiny? What I won't do is run all around the world like in the movie The Bucket List. I want that day to be a quiet day at home with my family.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
A Journey I Don't Want to Go On
In my waking life I love to travel, am super-organized, and think fondly of California.
In mid-December, 2013 I had a dream that I was supposed to go on a trip to California and I was doing everything BUT packing. I did NOT want to go on this trip. I tried to tell myself that it would be good because I was taking my older son to a doctor that was really going to help him and I'd be able to take my younger son to Disney. But still I did NOT want to go.
I woke with the certainty that God had some sort of life-journey planned for me that was not going to be overly enjoyable. I try to appreciate the "heads-up". When I think of this journey I wonder what it will be. I really hope it is NOT cancer. If I had a choice it would be anything but cancer. Caner is so uncontrollable. People fight hard and still die. Others seem to breeze through it. But I've never thought of myself as a breezer. I'd rather have something I can semi-control (because obviously God is sending me on this journey so I'm in control of nothing). Tell me I have diabetes and I'll learn to manage my diet. Cut my legs off and I'll learn to walk with prosthesis or use a wheel chair. Take my hearing or even my sight and I'll adapt. But please, God, don't give me cancer.
In mid-December, 2013 I had a dream that I was supposed to go on a trip to California and I was doing everything BUT packing. I did NOT want to go on this trip. I tried to tell myself that it would be good because I was taking my older son to a doctor that was really going to help him and I'd be able to take my younger son to Disney. But still I did NOT want to go.
I woke with the certainty that God had some sort of life-journey planned for me that was not going to be overly enjoyable. I try to appreciate the "heads-up". When I think of this journey I wonder what it will be. I really hope it is NOT cancer. If I had a choice it would be anything but cancer. Caner is so uncontrollable. People fight hard and still die. Others seem to breeze through it. But I've never thought of myself as a breezer. I'd rather have something I can semi-control (because obviously God is sending me on this journey so I'm in control of nothing). Tell me I have diabetes and I'll learn to manage my diet. Cut my legs off and I'll learn to walk with prosthesis or use a wheel chair. Take my hearing or even my sight and I'll adapt. But please, God, don't give me cancer.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The History of my Dreams
Since the mid-1990s I've been having prophetic dreams from time to
time. This has led me to do some reading about dreams and, combined
with my life long Christian faith, I have come to believe that God
speaks to me on occasion through my dreams.
There have been many dreams throughout the years - below are some of the most memorable. My kids have heard enough that they are now believers and sometimes call me up to tell me about their dreams and ask what I think it means.
What I've learned from my reading is that dream interpretation is very personal. There are some general symbols that are common throughout. But, I can't interpret your dream for you, I can only guide you in discovering your own interpretation.
But I'm not starting this blog to interpret dreams. I'm starting this blog to help me work through the thoughts and feelings I have and will have in the next few years because of a dream I had on Christmas Eve, 2013 (to be posted in my next post).
Highlilghts of my Dream History
The first time, I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to an old friend in an airport. I spent several days very worried about that friend. Turns out a few days later my host-father in Brasil passed away.
Since then I have read that it is typical to have a specific messenger, someone that God knows you trust, to bring the difficult messages. So, when I have a dream that involves that friend that I trust (always the same person), I know I better pay attention. But I also understand that whatever will happen, the messenger is safe.
Some years later I worked in a large office and telecommuted 3 days a week. So, I only went to the office on Monday and Thursday. On Wednesday night I dreamt that I was out to lunch with my co-workers and one of them was not using his left arm. I had no way of knowing, until I arrived at work the next day, that two of my co-workers had gone mountain biking the evening before and one of them broke his left shoulder (yes, the same one who wasn't using it in my dream).
I've always thought that my host-mother in Brazil resembles one of my in-laws. One night I dreamt that my host-mother was laying on a round bed, all covered in white satin. A few hours the in-law called my husband and said she wasn't feeling well. I told my husband to tell her to not fluff it off. As it turned out she went to the doctor and had a heart attack and survived!
In May of 2012 I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to the messenger in front of an airplane. He made a point to tell me, three times, that it was only goodbye for a little while but he would be back in November. A few days later my mom had blood pressure issues and was in the hospital briefly and recovered. You can imagine I was on pins and needles all of November. Shortly before Thanksgiving, a very close family friend died suddenly.
There have been many dreams throughout the years - below are some of the most memorable. My kids have heard enough that they are now believers and sometimes call me up to tell me about their dreams and ask what I think it means.
What I've learned from my reading is that dream interpretation is very personal. There are some general symbols that are common throughout. But, I can't interpret your dream for you, I can only guide you in discovering your own interpretation.
But I'm not starting this blog to interpret dreams. I'm starting this blog to help me work through the thoughts and feelings I have and will have in the next few years because of a dream I had on Christmas Eve, 2013 (to be posted in my next post).
Highlilghts of my Dream History
The first time, I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to an old friend in an airport. I spent several days very worried about that friend. Turns out a few days later my host-father in Brasil passed away.
Since then I have read that it is typical to have a specific messenger, someone that God knows you trust, to bring the difficult messages. So, when I have a dream that involves that friend that I trust (always the same person), I know I better pay attention. But I also understand that whatever will happen, the messenger is safe.
Some years later I worked in a large office and telecommuted 3 days a week. So, I only went to the office on Monday and Thursday. On Wednesday night I dreamt that I was out to lunch with my co-workers and one of them was not using his left arm. I had no way of knowing, until I arrived at work the next day, that two of my co-workers had gone mountain biking the evening before and one of them broke his left shoulder (yes, the same one who wasn't using it in my dream).
I've always thought that my host-mother in Brazil resembles one of my in-laws. One night I dreamt that my host-mother was laying on a round bed, all covered in white satin. A few hours the in-law called my husband and said she wasn't feeling well. I told my husband to tell her to not fluff it off. As it turned out she went to the doctor and had a heart attack and survived!
In May of 2012 I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to the messenger in front of an airplane. He made a point to tell me, three times, that it was only goodbye for a little while but he would be back in November. A few days later my mom had blood pressure issues and was in the hospital briefly and recovered. You can imagine I was on pins and needles all of November. Shortly before Thanksgiving, a very close family friend died suddenly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)