An Imperial Affliction

The other day I was at the pool, enjoying a nice breeze on a summer day, watching my 8 year old do the water slides - OH MY GOSH, I suddenly notice that big freckle on my leg has undergone a significant change.  It's doubled in size, it's darker, it's not a uniform shape - OH MY GOSH, this is it, this is the beginning, I have cancer in my leg, it's probably gone down to the bone, OKAY, OKAY, I said I'd rather lose a limb than have cancer.  So I'll just go full on attack, just take off the leg, no chemo for me, no chance of radiation not getting it all, I'll learn to live with a prosthetic, I wonder how much time I'll have to take off work.  I lean in for a closer look - oh, it's a leaf or something, it brushes right off - crisis averted (for now).

To be fair - I am currently reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and one of the main characters did lose a leg to cancer.

I worried about myself reading this book - but it was a book club selection so I obligate myself.
(Interested in my book reviews or book club info - see www.bedtimebookreview.com)

Bucket Lists

My 8 year old heard a musical ice cream truck for the first time the other day and he said, "Now that's one thing I can cross off my bucket list."  I chuckled at the idea of an 8 year old having a bucket list but thought it was a pretty great moment to share with him - hearing his first ice cream truck.  (Almost as good as eating ice cream with him.)

Later that day we went to the library.  On the way out I was thinking of all the books I have on my shelf, and all the additional books I have on my "booket" list and felt a momentary panic at the thought that I wouldn't be able to read them all before I die.  Even if I still have 50 years on this earth, it is unrealistic to think I would ever read them all.  Especially because I add to it at a greater rate than I subtract from it.

Then I chuckled at myself.  It's all pretty ludicrous.  I read as a pass-time.  I like the escape it gives me.

Escape from what?  That's the thing.  I'm generally happy with my life - so why do I want to escape it?  

But isn't that what any hobby is?  Whether it is losing yourself in music, or crafts, or volunteering (okay, that does make the world a better place) or flying model helicopters, or following a sports team, or whatever - it is all a pass-time, an escape from the mundane.  Even watching TV transports you into someone else's life or some other alternate reality.

And it all fills our time until we really do escape this world.  Whether or not I read all the books on my list, there will come a day when I will get off this planet.  And I will leave behind books unread, recipes untried, words unsaid, vistas unseen, blogs unt....

JUST KIDDING - I'm still here, at least until July 12, 2017.

Headaches

The worst headache I have ever had was when I was in Brasil.  I had three host families during my year there.  One I still call family to this day.  One was like a sorority house and one was just a place to crash.  So it was in the middle one that I had a really bad headache.  Even as I was lying on the sofa in agony I was aware that if I had been at home at that moment the headache would not have seemed so horrible.

Recently, on a Saturday, I didn't feel quite right.  My right arm was achy and I felt nasuea in the morning.  On top of that was the stress of getting everyone out the door in time to have our weekly trip to the gym to workout before a family event.  I kept thinking to myself that I only needed to worry if it was my left arm that ached.

As I was doing my crunches I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice me on the floor if I passed out or started having convulsions.  And how would they match me up with my family since I didn't have an ID on me.

At the family event I took some Excedrin and started to feel better.  The rest of the day proceeded fine.  Until 3 a.m.   I awoke from my dream of being barefoot at work and realized I had a bad headache.  I thought about taking some more Excedrin but my husband is a light sleeper and I didn't want to bother him.  So I tried to massage it away - which is about like trying to tickle yourself.

Lying there in a quiet house, taking stock of any other symptom and wondering if this was going to wind up as an E.R. trip, I concluded that headaches seem more intense when I am lonely.  I suppose it is as simple as lack of distraction allowing more focus on the pain.  I began to repeat to myself, "71217" - assuring myself that I would survive this headache.  Then I wondered if it was the beginning of a brain tumor.

Finally my husband stirred and I got some Excedrin and tried to be patient as I waited for it to kick in.  Thankfully I don't suffer from migraines - but I feel for those that do.

The Need to Know

I find it interesting that God created us as curious beings and one of the things people are most curious about is God.  Why did He create us?  What is our purpose here?  What is His plan for me?  What is Heaven like and will I go there?  And, as in my previous post, What's it all for?  How do my deeds and actions fit into the grand scheme?  My faith tells me that I am, in general, where I need to be and doing what I need to do.  But my humanness wants confirmation of that.  I'm okay without the worldly measures of success like mansions and money.  I hope that when I get to Heaven I can look down and see the paths of my footprints and from there the paths that others were able to take.  But my personal beliefs tell me that when I get to Heaven, the knowledge of my worldly impact will no longer be important to me.