My first husband died on 5/27/00. Now, three times a year, I am inflicted by thoughts of him and feelings of sadness and regret. His birthday, our wedding anniversary, and the date of his death. (On a side note - our wedding anniversary was yesterday and I didn't even think about it until 6:30 p.m. I used to see it as poor timing that our son was born on our anniversary - but now it provides a great distraction.)
I have moved on, have a happy new life, loving husband, etc. So it is a little illogical that I am plagued by sadness on those days. But I don't question the logic of the heart. At the same time that I wish it didn't bring me down - I also feel like it is a normal and rational reaction.
The day passes and I am back to normal the next day.
Apparently, for the next couple of years at least, I can add July 12th to the list of days that make me feel out of sorts. And when July 13th comes along I'll be back to normal.
My husband thought it was pretty silly of me this year to be upset on July 12th. Bible verses kept going through my head all day long about not being afraid. In my most logical and rational moments, I could admit that it is ridiculous to be afraid of dying. I've known dying is a part of living for as long as I can remember.
Maybe it's not the dying I'm afraid of - but the unknown. How will I die? Will I suffer? Will I have regrets?
No comments:
Post a Comment