My first husband died on 5/27/00. Now, three times a year, I am inflicted by thoughts of him and feelings of sadness and regret. His birthday, our wedding anniversary, and the date of his death. (On a side note - our wedding anniversary was yesterday and I didn't even think about it until 6:30 p.m. I used to see it as poor timing that our son was born on our anniversary - but now it provides a great distraction.)
I have moved on, have a happy new life, loving husband, etc. So it is a little illogical that I am plagued by sadness on those days. But I don't question the logic of the heart. At the same time that I wish it didn't bring me down - I also feel like it is a normal and rational reaction.
The day passes and I am back to normal the next day.
Apparently, for the next couple of years at least, I can add July 12th to the list of days that make me feel out of sorts. And when July 13th comes along I'll be back to normal.
My husband thought it was pretty silly of me this year to be upset on July 12th. Bible verses kept going through my head all day long about not being afraid. In my most logical and rational moments, I could admit that it is ridiculous to be afraid of dying. I've known dying is a part of living for as long as I can remember.
Maybe it's not the dying I'm afraid of - but the unknown. How will I die? Will I suffer? Will I have regrets?
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Chasing Life
There's a new show on ABC Family called Chasing Life with Italia Ricci. I saw commercials for it a few months ago - a young lady discovers she has cancer and, therefore, Chases Life. I set it to record all shows but I let four or five episodes record before I actually started watching it.
The commercials were intriguing to me because I felt I might REALLY identify with the character. But the whole show was intimidating to me BECAUSE I might one day identify with the character.
I do enjoy the show though - and the relationships it portrays, and the cast. SO - pay attention all you TV execs - I like this show (that's like the kiss of death for a TV show, if I like it the show doesn't go past one season - if my husband discovers it, it's a hit a la Breaking Bad).
As I watch the show, I try and just enjoy the show for the show's sake but once or twice an episode my brain tells itself to make a mental note about a feeling or a situation the character goes through. The character has leukemia. They talk about "cancer perks" just like the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. As much as I like free stuff - I would rather not get cancer perks.
I really don't think I'm a hypochondriac nor am I one of those people who hears of an ailment and tries to make it theirs - but neither do I want to stick my head in the sand and think it can't happen to me.
So, in the middle of my Chasing Life binging (6 episodes in a week) I finally got around to getting some lab results that I'd done in April to my doctor. I didn't think it was a big deal because I'd done some in March that were doctor ordered. Then my employer offered free tests in April so I did that one too - anxious to see if the Garcinia Cambogia I was trying out made a difference (it didn't). BUT - apparently the employer tested things the doctor didn't. The nurse called and said my platelets were low and they sent me orders to do more labs in 3 months - specifically to check platelets. I fluffed it off for less than 24 hours then I took to the internet to see what low platelets could mean. Well, it could mean a lot of things - including leukemia.
As much as I want the next three years to be slow and drug out - I'm a little anxious for three months to pass so I can re-test.
The commercials were intriguing to me because I felt I might REALLY identify with the character. But the whole show was intimidating to me BECAUSE I might one day identify with the character.
I do enjoy the show though - and the relationships it portrays, and the cast. SO - pay attention all you TV execs - I like this show (that's like the kiss of death for a TV show, if I like it the show doesn't go past one season - if my husband discovers it, it's a hit a la Breaking Bad).
As I watch the show, I try and just enjoy the show for the show's sake but once or twice an episode my brain tells itself to make a mental note about a feeling or a situation the character goes through. The character has leukemia. They talk about "cancer perks" just like the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. As much as I like free stuff - I would rather not get cancer perks.
I really don't think I'm a hypochondriac nor am I one of those people who hears of an ailment and tries to make it theirs - but neither do I want to stick my head in the sand and think it can't happen to me.
So, in the middle of my Chasing Life binging (6 episodes in a week) I finally got around to getting some lab results that I'd done in April to my doctor. I didn't think it was a big deal because I'd done some in March that were doctor ordered. Then my employer offered free tests in April so I did that one too - anxious to see if the Garcinia Cambogia I was trying out made a difference (it didn't). BUT - apparently the employer tested things the doctor didn't. The nurse called and said my platelets were low and they sent me orders to do more labs in 3 months - specifically to check platelets. I fluffed it off for less than 24 hours then I took to the internet to see what low platelets could mean. Well, it could mean a lot of things - including leukemia.
As much as I want the next three years to be slow and drug out - I'm a little anxious for three months to pass so I can re-test.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Three Years to Go
In three years from the day I write this (not necessarily the day I post this), it will be THE day. This occurred to me about 4 days ago. And I felt a little panic.
Last night my 8 year old had a terrible night. Up at 11:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep. Then up again at 2:30, got himself a cheese stick in the kitchen because he thought maybe eating something would help. I sat with him in his room and read to him until 3:15. He was awake again by 6:15 am (on July 12th). After I went back to bed at 3:15 a.m. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come. Was it a coincidence that this night, leading into THE day, was the first bad night he's had in years? (For the first 3 years of his life EVERY night was a bad night, and then it was hit or miss for a couple of years - but I thought we had pretty much conquered his sleeping issues due to a very, very bad case of RLS.) Obviously RLS is not life threatening so I don't think he's going to die from it in three years - but are his issues this night symbolic or predictive?
So today, 7/12/14 I'm just knocking around the house. Getting projects done, etc. But the date crosses my mind often. And I try to imagine if today were 3 years into the future, would I be content to just hang around the house like I said I would, anticipating a lunch date with my children. Today, in 2014, the answer is NO! I want to run, breathe, live, feel. I want to get out there and do it all - every last undone thing. Yet, at the same time, feel like it is not my last day on earth. Not dwell on the potential scariness. Which - how could I possibly do both? If I do anything special and out of the ordinary on 7/12/17, how can I trick my brain into not dwelling on the very reason I am doing it?
And then there is the totally unknown of will I even be able to do anything? Or will my last days be plagued by some ailment yet to come?
Last night my 8 year old had a terrible night. Up at 11:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep. Then up again at 2:30, got himself a cheese stick in the kitchen because he thought maybe eating something would help. I sat with him in his room and read to him until 3:15. He was awake again by 6:15 am (on July 12th). After I went back to bed at 3:15 a.m. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come. Was it a coincidence that this night, leading into THE day, was the first bad night he's had in years? (For the first 3 years of his life EVERY night was a bad night, and then it was hit or miss for a couple of years - but I thought we had pretty much conquered his sleeping issues due to a very, very bad case of RLS.) Obviously RLS is not life threatening so I don't think he's going to die from it in three years - but are his issues this night symbolic or predictive?
So today, 7/12/14 I'm just knocking around the house. Getting projects done, etc. But the date crosses my mind often. And I try to imagine if today were 3 years into the future, would I be content to just hang around the house like I said I would, anticipating a lunch date with my children. Today, in 2014, the answer is NO! I want to run, breathe, live, feel. I want to get out there and do it all - every last undone thing. Yet, at the same time, feel like it is not my last day on earth. Not dwell on the potential scariness. Which - how could I possibly do both? If I do anything special and out of the ordinary on 7/12/17, how can I trick my brain into not dwelling on the very reason I am doing it?
And then there is the totally unknown of will I even be able to do anything? Or will my last days be plagued by some ailment yet to come?
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Last Chances
Normally I am not a huge soccer fan. I like the sport but I don't actively follow it. Until it is a World Cup year. Then I pay a little attention. Sort of like I don't watch the SPURS until they get in the playoffs. And then I only feel the need to tune in for the last few minutes of the game.
But - back to soccer. My favorite soccer team in the world is Brasil. So I have been loving the World Cup this summer. Having lived in Brasil as an exchange student and still keeping in touch with "family" and friends there - I have felt more connected to them this summer than normal. Watching the soccer games and knowing they are happening in Brasil, seeing the scenes from Copacabana, the streets I have been on - it's like a little vacation in my mind.
Additionally, I threw my hat in the Sports Authority Bracket Challenge and actually won a $250 gift card in the group stage for doing well with my picks. But once the competition got to the quarter finals the Challenge turned into an actual bracket. So I picked Brasil to line up against Costa Rica in the finals.
Well - my bracket is busted all to heck. Today was the day Brasil lost 7 - 1 to Germany.
I felt for the Brasilian fans in the stadium with tears running down their faces. I wanted to be there to console my friends - and I wanted them to console me.
And then I realized - I may never see another World Cup. Because it only happens every 4 year - this is it. If 7/12/17 happens like I think it will - I will go to my grave never seeing my beloved team vanquish this great loss. I'm sure I will still rest easy in eternity - but it is strange to think I may have experienced the first "last time".
In 4 days it will be 3 years away. It still seems far off - but if I'm already experiencing a "last time" then it feels like things are just going to roll quickly from here on out.
But - back to soccer. My favorite soccer team in the world is Brasil. So I have been loving the World Cup this summer. Having lived in Brasil as an exchange student and still keeping in touch with "family" and friends there - I have felt more connected to them this summer than normal. Watching the soccer games and knowing they are happening in Brasil, seeing the scenes from Copacabana, the streets I have been on - it's like a little vacation in my mind.
Additionally, I threw my hat in the Sports Authority Bracket Challenge and actually won a $250 gift card in the group stage for doing well with my picks. But once the competition got to the quarter finals the Challenge turned into an actual bracket. So I picked Brasil to line up against Costa Rica in the finals.
Well - my bracket is busted all to heck. Today was the day Brasil lost 7 - 1 to Germany.
I felt for the Brasilian fans in the stadium with tears running down their faces. I wanted to be there to console my friends - and I wanted them to console me.
And then I realized - I may never see another World Cup. Because it only happens every 4 year - this is it. If 7/12/17 happens like I think it will - I will go to my grave never seeing my beloved team vanquish this great loss. I'm sure I will still rest easy in eternity - but it is strange to think I may have experienced the first "last time".
In 4 days it will be 3 years away. It still seems far off - but if I'm already experiencing a "last time" then it feels like things are just going to roll quickly from here on out.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Allow the Blessing
I'm not much of a gambler but it occurs to me that July 12, 2017 will be a Wednesday - maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. If that's the day that is going to change my life drastically - why not spend $1 or maybe $5. If I do die that day - I won't miss the money. And if something catastrophic or financially horrific happens, then an extra dollar or five on its own probably won't make much difference.
But I have heard several times in the past few years that we shouldn't shut ourselves off to the opportunity of God's blessing. My mom once told me a joke about a guy who was sitting on a rooftop with floodwater all around, praying to God to be rescued. Someone came by in a canoe and called out to him to get in and he said no thanks, God's going to rescue me. Then someone came by on a jet ski and called out to him but he waved them on. Finally a helicopter came and lowered a rope but he told them was waiting on God to rescue him. SO the guy died and went up to Heaven and he asked God why he didn't rescue him. God said, "What do you mean? I sent you a canoe, a jet ski and a helicopter."
Point being - don't be picky or wait for your expectation. Be open to new ideas and whatever God has in mind.
So if God wants to bless me with a lottery win - I'd better at least buy a ticket.
But I have heard several times in the past few years that we shouldn't shut ourselves off to the opportunity of God's blessing. My mom once told me a joke about a guy who was sitting on a rooftop with floodwater all around, praying to God to be rescued. Someone came by in a canoe and called out to him to get in and he said no thanks, God's going to rescue me. Then someone came by on a jet ski and called out to him but he waved them on. Finally a helicopter came and lowered a rope but he told them was waiting on God to rescue him. SO the guy died and went up to Heaven and he asked God why he didn't rescue him. God said, "What do you mean? I sent you a canoe, a jet ski and a helicopter."
Point being - don't be picky or wait for your expectation. Be open to new ideas and whatever God has in mind.
So if God wants to bless me with a lottery win - I'd better at least buy a ticket.
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