Talking Myself into a Circle

Buckle up - it's a bit bumpy.

I was listening to the song that goes, "Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.  All you have to do is call.  And I'll be there, you've got a friend."

That got me thinking about what friends I have to whom I would go running when they called.  I have lots of friends and family in Brazil.  Over the years, now especially with Facebook, I've seen that they have come as far as Orlando and not invited me to join them or not tried to come visit me in Texas.

Sure, sometimes it wouldn't be practical.  But I'd like to at least know it was an option.  To feel like I was friend enough that they would want to visit with me.  I mean, normally we live 5,000+ miles apart so if they were less than 2,000 miles from my home, that is more than half way.  Just as if I were in any part of Brazil I surely would plan a leg of my trip to go visit them.  

And what if it was something a little weightier?  What if a friend needed a kidney?  What if my best friend in the world needed a kidney?  I'd have to say no because I would worry that if something went wrong and I died it would be unfair to my children.  This friend I think of is childless.  But what if they, too, had a child.  Nope - I still wouldn't do it.  While I wouldn't want their kids to lose a parent, donating a kidney could potentially rob two families of a parent.  BUT - what if it was I who needed the kidney.  Yes, I'd expect my (childless) friend to donate for me.  Why?  They have a parents and siblings - doesn't that count too?

And then I wonder why I am so obsessed with not abandoning my children.  I mean, I think I'm a decent mother but I'm no mother-of-the-year.  And haven't I raised them well enough to survive without me?  As I've said before though, dying first is no noble gesture.  Life sucks for a while for those left behind.  So maybe that is what I want to spare my children from.

The Queen's Funeral Plans

I recently saw a news report about the plans that have been in place for several years regarding what will happen when the Queen of England (Elizabeth II) dies.  (Currently she is older than 90.)  Pre-planned details for nine days following her death include:

• her private secretary will call the Prime Minister on a secure line and say "London Bridge is down"
• security and transport arranged for multiple scenarios
• a bulletin to the press association within 15 minutes at the same time a guard places notice on the Buckingham Palace gates
• website changes
• an obituary light will flash at national radio stations instigating a switch to somber music in anticipation of breaking news
• pre-assigned locations for broadcaster coverage from the palace
• body carried to Westminster Abbey by military procession, scheduled to arrive at the steps at the exact moment Big Ben begins to chime
• new king declared the day after her death

The report had me both intrigued and relieved.  Obviously I'm no queen but it was slightly reassuring to see that even someone like the queen gives advanced thought to her death.  It is slightly a relief to know that at least I haven't planned it down to the deatil of when the church bells will start to chime at my funeral.

In fact, as the time gets ever closer I haven't planned anything but lunch on 7/12/17.  I haven't written letters; I haven't updated my will or even found a lawyer, And I'm starting to realize that most likely, I won't.  For the next 10 days I'm busy volunteering at my church.  Maybe I will do something after that because my youngest will be at sleep-away camp so I will have a lot of time to reflect and take care of things.  But I'm thinking I'll probably find 100 other things to distract myself with.  At the very least I am more attracted to finishing "the blanket", working on my novel (still probably wouldn't finish it) or creating a family heirloom art that I've been wanting to do for a couple of years.  Even catching up on nine years of scrapbooking sounds more attractive than updating a will.  

Still Pressing On

It's summer and once again I'm applying for teaching jobs.  Once again I'm feeling discouraged and bordering on depression because I get so few interviews for all the jobs I apply for and when I do get an interview I get so hopeful and, obviously, don't get the job.  My husband asks me why I keep applying if I'm going to die on July 12th anyway.

Sometimes I think that's the reason I don't get the job, it's divine intervention saving the school from having to find another teacher to fill the position.  But I have to keep applying; I have to keep believing that I'm not gonna die.  Because if I stop believing then I may as well be dead.  If I give up hope then something has died inside me.

My faith teaches me that God can do miracles but I have to do my part.  I can't just sit back and expect Him to do all the work.  I have to believe, I have to pray, I have to be obedient and spread the message of hope.

My mom used to tell a joke about a man who was in a flood and he was on the roof of the house and he prayed to God to rescue him.  A guy in a rowboat came by and offered to take him to safety but he said no, he was good, he was waiting for God.  A guy in a motorboat came by a while later and offered to take him to safety but he said no, he was waiting for a miracle.  Later a helicopter comes by and drops a ladder to rescue him but he wouldn't climb up because he was waiting for God to rescue him.  When he died and went to Heaven he asked God why He never came.  God said, "What do you mean, I sent a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter - what more did you expect?"

Everyone Has it Right

As I was driving my child to tennis I passed a friend's neighborhood and reflected that she might well be driving her child to music lessons - each of us thinking we are being a good mom and doing the best for our children.  And each of us right! 

I think at the end of a day, or at the end of a life, if each of us can say we did our best, then it was a success.  Even though your best may look different from my best, as long as it is truly the best you've got than it is good enough.