Duh!

After I posted last week I was driving home and had a light bulb moment - although it wasn't a great scientific discovery, it was really more just clearing up my own stupidity.

Duh!  Where do the atheists get their gifts from...the devil.  The same one that was whispering in my ear.  Maybe it was more like shouting for a little bit because I couldn't even see the truly obvious as opposed to my temporary conclusion on what was obvious.

Lost and Found

Last week I was listening to a radio program interviewing someone who, from my view point, has found much success in their life.  The person mentioned they were an atheist. 

I think I actually lost my faith for a few hours.  Suddenly it just seemed so logical that if some people, like Bill Gates for example, can find such success and not believe in God, then certainly God didn't give them their success, so there must not be a God.

I started playing out scenarios - how would my family take the news?  Could I even tell them?  What if I caused them to lose their faith?  My argument against God seemed so cut and dry but yet I felt I shouldn't ruin things for anyone else.  If faith worked for them, and they hadn't seen the obviousness as I now had, I wasn't going to tell them - they needed to come to it on their own.

I wondered what I would do on Sundays now, and after death - then what?  I guess death would be like turning off a TV.  Nothing scary about that.

Later that evening I received a message from a special friend who I hadn't heard from in a number of months.  Throughout the last several decades God has used this particular friend in a variety of ways and at numerous times to give me special messages - reassurance, direction, etc.  Receiving a message that night was no coincidence.  A few simple words warmed my heart in such a way that I knew it was only the touch of God.

The next day at work, one of my favorite students came in to tell me he had finished all his coursework and was graduating early.  I have often thought over the two and a half years I have worked with this young man, that he was the reason I had been brought to this campus. 

Many times we go through struggles and we know God has a plan but we can't see it.  Several years ago there was a big shakeup where I was working.  Scandal caused the big managers to resign.  The interim manager and I had just never been best buds and he arranged a demotion for me.  I found myself doing work far below my college degree with people who maybe graduated high school.  Some of them were nice and I absolutely appreciated the hard work they did every day.  But some of them were back-stabbers and drama queens.  Furthermore, I was not of the same culture as them and, yes folks, even white people can be discriminated against.  I suffered through six months in that position and took the first job out of there.  That led me to where I am now.  Where I have been happily employed for 2 1/2 years.  Where I began working with the aforementioned favorite student young man.  I've often thought that he was the reason I went through all that - it was God's design to get our paths to cross so I could help him.  I've often thought that even though I have since passed my teaching certification I haven't gotten hired as a teacher because I still needed to be here - near enough to support that student.

So the day after I briefly lost my faith, it was no small coincidence that that young man came to tell me he was ready to move on.   When he was in 9th grade and not a strong reader I took him into the school library and read the English novels aloud to him.  When he was in 10th grade, and it wasn't even my job anymore to work with him, he sought me out after school for math tutoring - I didn't refuse.  I encouraged him to enroll at the self-paced / accelerated graduation campus and together we completed his application.  And he just blew through his last two years of high school in five months!  The boy who said he wasn't coming back after 9th grade is now a high school graduate.  And I had a hand in that!!  I'm not one to toot my own horn, and obviously he did all the work, but I really think without my support and encouragement he would not have stuck it out.  He is the first high school graduate in his family.  My heart was warmed again as only God's touch can. 

That same day I found out that my teaching certificate is not as limited as I was told it was.  I had been told I needed to stack some additional certifications to be able to teach anything other than 7th grade math.  Turns out that's not the case - I can teach any middle school math.  I felt like that was confirmation that indeed God had been holding me here to see that student through.  Now he's moved on and I can too.  Like God was saying, "Well done good and faithful servant - now here is your reward, you are released to the next phase I have planned for you."

I still have to be careful because that little atheist voice has not stopped trying to whisper in my ear.  But I'm getting good at turning the other cheek.

Taking Stock of Stocking Up

I might have mentioned before that I like to coupon.  I'm not "extreme", but I do have a stockpile in my closet - mainly toothbrushes and razors.  Suffice it to say - I have a hard time passing up a good deal.  (Good deal meaning practically free.)  

In everything I buy I look for the best value.  I use those little yellow price per ounce squares on the shelf tags.  

The other day I was at Costco buying vitamins.  The 500 count bottle was the best buy and I plan to take vitamins for the rest of my life.  A quick estimation though led me to realize there are (as of today) about 545 - 550 days until 7/12/17.  Wow!  That's pushing it.  Because maybe once a week I forget to take the vitamin, so I will probably use up the bottle.  But I'll have to keep this potential expiration date in mind for any future purchases.  

Embarrassed of my Faith

Recently Oprah did a 7-part series called Believe all about faith and religion around the world.  Sort of ironic since there are people that "worship" Oprah, to a certain extent.  I generally like Oprah and believe her intentions are good although I wouldn't call myself a fan.  Anyway, I recorded the series and I watched a few of the episodes over the Christmas break.  (I could be PC and say "Winter break" but I'm talking about religion here so that would just seem to cancel itself out.)

In either the third or fourth episode of the series they talked about extreme acts of faith. 

     In Mexico people journey for hundreds of miles on horse-back, eventually climbing a mountain (on horse-back) because they believe that God will grant them a miracle at the completion of the journey.  One woman has a son that was in an accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury.  His communication and mobility are now severely limited.  She didn't even own a horse, much less had she ever ridden horse-back, but she secured the animal and the skill and made the journey.  They even took the son along in a truck.  The whole way she had him foremost in her mind.  Every time they stopped she would explain to the son what they were doing and why.  He seemed to have cognizance and comprehension and made some replies that the mom claimed to understand.  The mother was doing the journey so that her son might be healed.

     Another segment in that episode was about the Pentecost islands where the men land-dive from a tower with a vine tied around their ankles.  It's almost like bungee jumping except that the vine doesn't have elasticity so it doesn't pull you back up.  They each chose their own vine.  Depending on age they dive from higher and higher up.  A boy of 12 or less was making his first dive from the lowest platform.  Obviously the key is choosing a vine that is just long enough but not too long.  Ideally their hair should brush the ground and that ensures a good harvest.  The documentary showed the young boy diving and landing.  I thought it was quite insane.  He literally landed on his head.  I watched his neck bend at an awkward angle and then bend back the other direction as the rest of his body caught up to gravity and he splayed on the ground.  Then he hopped up!  

As I was watching this episode, I kept thinking how stupid these people were.  As a mom I think I would do anything for my kids, but would I borrow a horse and put my life on hold to train and go on a long horse ride.  Or would I let them grow up in the traditions of the tribe even though I knew it could kill them?

I wondered how the woman could logically think that a horse ride would convince God to grant her miracle.  And how would she feel when it didn't work?  Or worse, how would the son feel?  Would it cause him to lose his faith entirely?  (The mom had told the viewers the son had already wanted to give up and die soon after the accident but she told him he had to keep trying and after that he did make some progress towards recovery.)  Or would they hold on to any slight advancement he made after the journey and call that the miracle?  Mom did acknowledge that the healing might not be God's will.

And what about the island people?  Were they just too remote and uncivilized or uneducated to know how dangerous it is?  Surely in all their years of land-diving, someone has been injured to the point of paralysis or death.  According to Wikipedia fatalities only occurred in 1974 and 2006.  That sort of makes me think God is watching over these people and rewarding their efforts - if not with harvest at least with protection from injury.  Of course, not having been raised in the village it is probably impossible for me to get my mindset alongside the women of Pentecost island - but I just don't know if I could let my child do it.  I didn't even want my son to play football with pads and helmets.  The mom did admit she was a little nervous but she tried to focus on the rite of passage and not the danger.

In the early 2000s I was one of the early users of online dating - back before Match.com when it was Yahoo Personals.  In 2003 I changed my screen name from BrasilGirl17 to walkingbyfaith2003.  I  committed the whole effort to God, vowing not to refuse a date to anyone who asked, and I even took a break from dating for Lent.  Towards the end of Lent a man asked me out and I explained that I couldn't meet him until next week because I had given up dating for Lent.  Today I call that man my husband. 

So I am no stranger to acts of faith.  Yet I have a hard time reconciling some of the big acts of faith as anything more than stupidity.  After watching the episode I felt rather embarrassed and ashamed.  Actually, I'm not sure those are the right words.  I'm not sure their is a word for what I felt.  Logically I think they are stupid but emotionally I don't want to think that.  I feel bad for thinking bad of them.  I feel bad for judging someone else's faith.  I know how big God is, I know what He is capable of, but I just seem to be more tied to logic the older I get.

Ain't It Fun - Guns 'n' Roses

One day as I was writing this blog and listening to my iPod a Guns 'n' Roses song came on, "Ain't It Fun".  I can't say that I've ever really heard the song before but since it is on my iPod obviously I put it there.  One line struck me as ironic to hear while writing the blog so I made a note to go look at the lyrics some other time.

...

I just did and apparently the line that struck me was "Ain't it fun when you know you're going to die young".  The rest of the song is pretty crap and not really words that I would enjoy dwelling on.  And to answer their indirect question: NO, it's not fun.  But I still maintain that the timing of the line was ironic.  I enjoy irony.