What to look forward to...

My mother-in-law is advanced in age and diminished in mental capacity.  For a few years now we wonder if every holiday will be the last and try to make an effort to get the family together, gathered around her.  This year she's declined to the point that she's being cared for in a facility - a fact that grieves her children.  So we brought her out to our house for Easter along with some of the in-laws.

Sadly, it seems the facility over-medicated her and she dozed through most of the day.  Even still, not a bad visit and we did get a nice picture for posterity.  But getting her back in the car was another story.  Logic has left her and the idea of rising from her wheelchair, pivoting, and sitting in the car was overwhelming.  Even as an observer it felt quite traumatic.  At one point my brother-in-law, who is probably 20 years older than I am, looked at me and voiced the thought that was screaming through my head, "Is this what we have to look forward to?"

I know there are many people of advanced age in very similar situations.  I look at them and think I would much prefer an early exit than surviving so long that living becomes merely existing.  In that regard, and only that regard, 7/12/17 is not looking so bad.  Although, if I had a choice I'd vote for something more along the lines of 7/12/37.

Another Apathetic Holiday

Possibly my last Easter - didn't even dye an egg.  Barely got the basket filled - forgot the Pokemon cards.  Went to church but didn't even feel any joy - blamed it on the guest priest.  Made a lemon cake - not even bunny shaped nor trimmed with jelly beans.

I felt more excited to go grocery shopping on Monday than I felt about anything Friday to Sunday.  

What is wrong with me?  I've said it before - I should be pouring everything I have into these last holidays and instead I'm doing less than ever.  I don't feel like it is a conscious decision to do less, just not driven to do more.

I'd like to think that if I survive 7/12/17 I will be so grateful for every day afterwards.  But part of me knows I'm only kidding myself - if I can't even rise to the occasion of one last Easter why will anything be different on July 13th?

What? I missed a week?

For a moment I wondered how I could have missed a week.  In a time in my life when time is so precious, how did a week get away from me and I can't remember not posting or what I did instead of posting?  Is this the beginning of the end?  No worries, my memory is as sound as it ever was, apparently it was an app malfunction.  I distinctly remember writing the post from my iPad.  Today I am on the laptop.  So I went back to the iPad to see if perhaps I forgot to tap "Publish".  I had to re-sign in to the app - obviously something weird there.

So I'll try and recap what was on my mind last week:

Over Spring Break, as previously mentioned, I had cleaned out some cabinets.  I have my first crochet project that I started working on when my now 11 1/2 y/o was an infant.  I would sit in the nursery while he fell asleep in his crib and work on this blanket.  I got the blanket made years ago but the pattern includes some cross-stitch animals over-laid on top.  I did some calculations and realized if I don't complete one animal per month I won't finish the blanket before July.

So that was my goal - one a month, starting with March.  On March 30th I stopped all other hobby activities just so I could get the animal done.  (It took until April 4th.)  So during that time I didn't work on my coupon lists or check email.  My husband says I'm on my computer too much anyway.  I always tell him I'm not just reading gossip columns but I'm planning our menu and making grocery lists and keeping on top of kid activities.  I gotta admit though, it was a little freeing to not turn on the PC.  This will make me better contemplate how I do spend my leisure time.

(Update:  It is now 4/12 and I haven't even begun the animal for this month...been busy catching up on coupon stuff and need to make the Easter grocery list and menu from now until I'm off work for the summer...lots to do!!)

Ironic Hat

Over Spring Break I cleaned out the cabinet under the end table by my spot on the sofa.  I found an old knitting project from when I had been commissioned to make some shrugs for a little girl starting Kindergarten.  I think that girl is probably in 5th grade now.  I know I delivered a couple back then but I found one that was half done.  

I thought about completing it and putting it away for a future granddaughter so I started to see if I could pick up the pattern again.  It was a little more complicated of a pattern than I usually do and after a few rows it seemed like it would work out fine.  But it occurred to me I could easily convert it into a hat.  

I've made many simple beanies for my boys growing up but I've only made one hat for myself.  I really like the pattern and was excited about the hat.  As it turns out, it perfectly matches a fleece jacket I "inherited" from my mother.  

So it's March 28th, we've had high's in the '80s for the last several days, and I finished the hat tonight.  Which means it is unlikely I'll wear it before July 12, 2017.  Which means it is possible I will never wear this hat.

Failure

"Success loves a witness, failure demands one." - Junot Diaz, "The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao"

I hope that the witness this blog provides is my greatest failure.  Although, I have blogged before that even if I don't die on July 12, 2017 it may mean that, because I was aware of the date, I did things differently than I otherwise would have and thus changed the projected outcome.  I sincerely hope that I fail at this prediction.  The closer it gets, the less I believe it will happen.  But then that thought sets off a bit of a panic in that if I don't take it seriously there may be negative consequences.  I did not meet my goal of getting my will re-done in January, or my revised goal of getting it done over Spring Break.  Now I'm looking at June - cutting it rather close.

Hoarding vs. Frugality

Yesterday on TV I caught part of an episode of Hoarders.  I've heard it said that the general population watches shows like that to make themselves feel better - as if we all hoard but as long as it is not as bad as the people on TV then we don't have a problem.

But as I listened to the hoarders I could hear that they truly saw value in the things they saved.  Obviously to a person with a fully functioning brain it sounds ludicrous that they want to save an item that MIGHT be worth $50 at the risk of losing a house that is worth $50,000.  But the larger point is that people see value in different things.  When I was in fifth grade we did some sort of recycling project and the theme was "One man's trash is another man's treasure."  That idea totally captivated me in fifth grade and has stuck with me ever since.  (That and the correct pronunciation of Arkansas - the embarrassment still lives within me)

A few weeks ago I wrote about making a list of who gets what after I'm gone.  I realize that I'm making an assumption that my descendants will see value in the same things I do.  Like socks.  I kept most of my mother's socks - and wear them regularly.  Not because I can't afford my own socks.  Not because I felt an emotional attachment to them.  I think I am just a naturally frugal person.  But I do have my standards.  If I buy socks, I don't buy them from the discount store because I don't want seconds - I want them to fit well and be comfortable.  I've never bought socks from eBay although I have sold some on eBay and thanked God that I had never been that desperate to have to buy my child's socks second-hand.  One time I had to wear my mother-in-laws socks for some reason.  They were clean but it still made me feel weird.  But wearing my mom's old socks do not make me feel weird, or anything in particular other than dressed and ready to go.  However, who's to say my daughter will feel comfortable wearing my socks.  

I see the value in my ancestor's approach to just asking people what they really want and letting the rest fall out as it may.  If I specify that my daughter get's the entire contents of my closet and she wants none of it - then I've just burdened her with the responsibility and hassle to dispose of it all.  So - I need to stop hoarding my thoughts and just ask them directly, even though it is a difficult question to ask.

Communicating with God

I had not been sick in years and then I had a respiratory infection and a sinus infection.  After a week of antibiotics for the sinus infection I was feeling like I was getting sick again - even though I had 3 days left of medication.

I've been listening to a lot of Joel Osteen on the radio so as I went to bed that night I was inspired to pray boldly for healing from this minor affliction.  I asked God to take all the infection from my body.  Then I asked him to take anything else that may be in there too that I was unaware of - like maybe cancer cells.  Basically any sickness - get it out of me.

The next day I woke up feeling completely fine.  I knew it was due to God's healing and repeatedly thanked Him.  Every time I coughed I thanked God for my health.  As I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to spend the Saturday running errands with the family, I thought about eating lunch out.  Then I thought about enjoying a soda with my lunch.  Then I thought - how ridiculous, if God just took any cancer cells out of me over night I'm going to go ruin it by drinking a soda and putting all those toxic chemicals back in my body.

But I LIKE soda!  I know it's a horrible habit, and might even be considered an addiction.  I know I should not drink soda - ever - for any reason.  There is no good that comes out of soda.  But I LIKE soda!

So I began a dialogue with God and struck up my own potential sign.  If I got a soda at lunch and that soda should spill, then I would never drink soda again.  Wow!  That was a big commitment on my part.  You know I was nervous during lunch!  Every time I picked up my drink I was waiting for an avalanche of liquid.  It never happened!  I never spilled my drink.

What does this mean?  I'm not really sure.  Does it mean there were no cancer cells to begin with?  Or God took them out and is going to allow me to enjoy my favorite beverage guilt free?  I'm not going to go overboard with soda drinking but I will indulge from time to time and I will try to thank God each time for my health.