Who Will Stand Up For Me

Some people I know recently organized a fun run for a mutual friend who is (still) battling with cancer.   I am not a runner but I thought I might go and help out in some way.  Then I realized the run was in the morning and my son had a tennis tournament that afternoon.  Not impossible but logistically challenging.  But I still really wanted to help.  I hope that one day there is someone who cares enough about me to organize a fun run and when they do I hope that there will be enough volunteers to help.  It's the Paying It Forward concept that I have posted about previously.  But it also reminds me of a poem in the book "I Am Malala" which I recently re-read:

They came for the Communists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Communist;

They came for the Socialists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Socialist;

They came for the labor leaders, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a labor leader;

They came for the Jews, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Jew;

Then they came for me - And there was no one left to object.

Martin Niemoller, German Protestant Pastor, 1892-1984

Writing the Final Last Words

Somewhere in the nagging back of my mind is the desire to write a letter, to leave a last bit of advice or reassurance to my children.  I've mentioned it before - but have yet to even begin the process.  I think it only takes a bit of imagination to think how hard such an undertaking would be.

For the last few months I've been listening to the audio books of my favorite "Outlander" series by Diana Gabaldon.  "Voyager" Ch. 42 sums it all up very well.  Let me set the scene:  a woman who accidentally time traveled in ~1945 back to ~1743 accidentally fell in love with Jaime.  Because Claire knew modern-day history which, in 1743, is the future, she knew a war was coming.  She was pregnant by Jaime so he sent her back to modern-day to keep the baby safe since they assume he'll die in the war.  Twenty years later she discovers he didn't die.  The baby is grown so she goes back to the past to be with her true love.  But she writes a letter for her daughter before she leaves.  Here are some of the ideas Claire voices in the novel regarding such a letter:

• I expect she'll ignore it all, and have a wonderful life - but at least she'll know I thought about her.
• If she doesn't need it, it will do no harm, and if she does, it will be there.
• She recorded what she knew of the family medical history
• ...how could I tell her just how much I loved her? 
• She shared a lot of treasured memories of her daughter growing up
• She gave a bit of advice about men, such as don't try to change them because you can't and don't let them try to change you because they can't either

Maybe I'll use this as a pattern when I finally do write those letters.  Sure, the books are fiction, but at least it's a launching point that makes the task seem a little less overwhelming.

A Quote to Contemplate

Theodore Roosevelt said, "Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die."
Ouch!  Usually I rationalize my fear by saying I'm not afraid for myself, I just don't want to leave my kids.  But honestly, I am a little afraid.  Not of the after-life.  I'm clear on that.  But I'm afraid of getting from the point of life to the point of death.  I'm afraid that it might be long and drawn out and painful.

...but then the Priest said...

After going to church last Sunday I had second thoughts about the sentiments I expressed in my previous post.  How many times in this blog have I said I don't want to abandon my children by dying young?  Yet I don't want to reach an advanced age where I'm out of my mind?  Wouldn't that be a good thing because if I get to that age then I won't have abandoned my children too soon?  (As if there is ever a not-too-soon.)  I just don't like the idea that my children would be frustrated by my diminished mental capacity at the end of my life.  What I really want is to die quickly at an advanced age with still enough mental capacity to be thanking God with my last breath for allowing me to live that long.

What to look forward to...

My mother-in-law is advanced in age and diminished in mental capacity.  For a few years now we wonder if every holiday will be the last and try to make an effort to get the family together, gathered around her.  This year she's declined to the point that she's being cared for in a facility - a fact that grieves her children.  So we brought her out to our house for Easter along with some of the in-laws.

Sadly, it seems the facility over-medicated her and she dozed through most of the day.  Even still, not a bad visit and we did get a nice picture for posterity.  But getting her back in the car was another story.  Logic has left her and the idea of rising from her wheelchair, pivoting, and sitting in the car was overwhelming.  Even as an observer it felt quite traumatic.  At one point my brother-in-law, who is probably 20 years older than I am, looked at me and voiced the thought that was screaming through my head, "Is this what we have to look forward to?"

I know there are many people of advanced age in very similar situations.  I look at them and think I would much prefer an early exit than surviving so long that living becomes merely existing.  In that regard, and only that regard, 7/12/17 is not looking so bad.  Although, if I had a choice I'd vote for something more along the lines of 7/12/37.

Another Apathetic Holiday

Possibly my last Easter - didn't even dye an egg.  Barely got the basket filled - forgot the Pokemon cards.  Went to church but didn't even feel any joy - blamed it on the guest priest.  Made a lemon cake - not even bunny shaped nor trimmed with jelly beans.

I felt more excited to go grocery shopping on Monday than I felt about anything Friday to Sunday.  

What is wrong with me?  I've said it before - I should be pouring everything I have into these last holidays and instead I'm doing less than ever.  I don't feel like it is a conscious decision to do less, just not driven to do more.

I'd like to think that if I survive 7/12/17 I will be so grateful for every day afterwards.  But part of me knows I'm only kidding myself - if I can't even rise to the occasion of one last Easter why will anything be different on July 13th?

What? I missed a week?

For a moment I wondered how I could have missed a week.  In a time in my life when time is so precious, how did a week get away from me and I can't remember not posting or what I did instead of posting?  Is this the beginning of the end?  No worries, my memory is as sound as it ever was, apparently it was an app malfunction.  I distinctly remember writing the post from my iPad.  Today I am on the laptop.  So I went back to the iPad to see if perhaps I forgot to tap "Publish".  I had to re-sign in to the app - obviously something weird there.

So I'll try and recap what was on my mind last week:

Over Spring Break, as previously mentioned, I had cleaned out some cabinets.  I have my first crochet project that I started working on when my now 11 1/2 y/o was an infant.  I would sit in the nursery while he fell asleep in his crib and work on this blanket.  I got the blanket made years ago but the pattern includes some cross-stitch animals over-laid on top.  I did some calculations and realized if I don't complete one animal per month I won't finish the blanket before July.

So that was my goal - one a month, starting with March.  On March 30th I stopped all other hobby activities just so I could get the animal done.  (It took until April 4th.)  So during that time I didn't work on my coupon lists or check email.  My husband says I'm on my computer too much anyway.  I always tell him I'm not just reading gossip columns but I'm planning our menu and making grocery lists and keeping on top of kid activities.  I gotta admit though, it was a little freeing to not turn on the PC.  This will make me better contemplate how I do spend my leisure time.

(Update:  It is now 4/12 and I haven't even begun the animal for this month...been busy catching up on coupon stuff and need to make the Easter grocery list and menu from now until I'm off work for the summer...lots to do!!)