What if this is all there is?

I think every one feels their life goes through cycles: times of everything in sync and rolling smoothly, times of mediocrity, and times of chaos.  Right now I'm in a mediocre time and I've begun to wonder - what if this is all there is?  What if this is all I was meant to do?

I'm not currently working in anything for which I'll win an award.  Not like winning Checker of the Year in college or the Circle of Excellence (complete with trip to Puerto Rico) during my days in corporate America.

Maybe I'll still get a book written but if I were a betting gal I'd say odds were not in my favor.

Obviously not everyone accomplishes something great in their lifetime.  There are people who live life to the fullest, and there are people who are content to just run on the hamster wheel of life.  I am the person who watches the hamsters running and wonders how they can stand it in there, running on that wheel day and night.  I am a very loyal person in my jobs and in my marriage - but I do like to shake things up a little bit.  I do enjoy a change of pace or scenery.  I don't want to go skydiving or anything - but every few years the urge strikes me to break out of mediocre.

In the past I have always been able to satisfy this urge with a big vacation.  But right now I'm not in a position to do that.  And not knowing what lies ahead - maybe I never will be again.

My mom lived her whole 75 years wanting to go to Greece, the country of her ancestors.  She finally got there when she was in her 70s.  And what did it do for her?  For her last five years she could say she did it.  But it didn't make her death any more or less peaceful.

Intellectually I think there is value in travel when you are young because it provides different perspectives and helps you become more well rounded.  But after a certain age (call me age-ist), it just seems frivolous - on an intellectual level.  And impractical on a health and mobility level.

In my mid-40s my morals, values and beliefs are pretty well formed.  I might expand on something by reading a book, but I don't need to go do mission work in Africa to expand my perception of poverty.  The only thing likely to become more rounded if I travel is my belly from eating too much.

But emotionally - that is where I'm stuck.  I wouldn't turn down an opportunity to finally visit Europe, but if I only had one trip left in my life it would be a hard choice between taking the kids to Disney and creating memories for them or satisfying my personal emotions and reconnecting with my friends and family in Brazil.

And then I think, to what end?  Will I take the memories with me when I go?

After reading "Knit Together" by Debbie Macomber I've come to the conclusion that it's such a fine line between working to accomplish our dreams while being content with where we are at.  Because no matter how succesful I might become, if I am constantly looking ahead to the next project and 
can't be content with the now, then achieving the dream means nothing.