House Episode

During its run we enjoyed watching the television series "House" on the Fox network.  Even now we often watch reruns.  One day we came across one that I don't remember seeing originally.  I believe the episode was titled "Damned If You Do?" In the episode a nun was struggling with her mysterious illness and questions of faith.  I thought the brief scene had a lot of food for thought.

She started out conversing with Dr. Chase.  At some point Dr. House enters the room and I can't tell from the transcript which doctor was speaking at all times, but if you've ever seen the show you can definitely tell which one was House.  It went something like this:
Augustine: I don't want to die. Why has He left me? 

Dr. Chase: I was in seminary school. They asked us once what our favorite passage was. I chose 1 Peter 1:7. “These trials only test your faith to see whether or not it is strong and pure. Your faith is being tested as fire tests gold and purifies it.” 

Augustine: “And your faith is far more precious to the Lord than pure gold; so if your faith remains strong after being tested, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day of His return.” 

Dr. Chase: He hasn’t left you. The only thing in the way of your knowing if he’s left you is your fear. You have a choice: faith or fear. That’s the test. 

Augustine: Do you think faith doesn’t mean I won’t die? 

Dr. Chase: It will affect how you experience your death, and therefore your life. It’s up to you.   Room's paid up for the rest of the week.  Might as well stick around.

Augustine:  This illness is a test of my faith.  If it's His will to take me, it doesn't matter where I am.  I can accept that.

(Around this point Dr. House joins the conversations)

Doctor:  Does anybody believe anything you say?  You're not accepting.  You're running away.  Just like you always do.  You ran away from the monastery to get laid.  You ran away from the real world when getting laid didn't work out so good.  Now things aren't working out again, so off you go.

Augustine:  Why is it so difficult for you to believe in God?

Doctor:  What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief.

Augustine:  Faith isn't based on logic and experience.  I experience God on a daily basis and the miracle of life all around - the miracle of birth, the miracle of love.  He is always with me.

Doctor:  Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby?  Hmm?  Then watching her mother abandon her 'cause she needs another score.  Miracle of love.  You're over twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.

Augustine:  Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?

Doctor House:  You can have all the faith you want in spirits and the afterlife and heaven and hell.  But when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot.  'Cause you can tell me that you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes to crossing the street, I know you look both ways.

Augustine:  I don't believe He is inside me and is going to save me.  I believe He is inside me whether I live or die.

Doctor:  Then you might as well live.  You got a better shot betting on me than on him.

Augustine:  When I was 15, I was on every kind of birth control known to man [House gasps] and I still got pregnant.  I blamed God.  I hated him for ruining my life.  But then I realized something.  You can't be angry with God and not believe in Him at the same time.  No one can.  Not even you, Dr. House.

Pre-paid Obits

You can pre-pay a cell phone and pre-pay your kids college fund - why not pre-paid obituaries.

Lock in now at the cheaper rate and go for the full package!

I know from experience that obituaries are expensive.  At a time when there are other expenses, often unexpected, all necessary, it is understandable that people trim down the obituary.

This past weekend I saw an obituary for somebody I might have known.  If it is the person I knew, I knew them in 1987 and 1988.  I never saw them again but often wondered about them.  They were a very nice person who left a lasting impression on me.  

I knew him as Bobby.  The obituary said Robert.  Same last name although it is a common one.

I'm not good at facial recognition.  Especially when it's been 28 years and the photo in the paper is much more current than my memory.  So I looked for life details.  There was info on the most recent job and that he managed an unnamed restaurant for 13 years.  

But there was no mention of his high school which I might have remembered - but again, common name.  Or how about the interesting fact that he was a Rotary Exchange Student and went to Brazil.  I know not everyone who is an exchange student has the same experience - but for me it has definitely shaped my life.  I might even say the experience of living abroad has defined a large part of my life.  It changed the way I view people and situations.  It enabled me to get jobs I never would have gotten otherwise.  It taught me to dance a little more freely, love a little more openly, and that black clothes are not just for mourning.

Take note whoever writes my obituary:  Include the details!  Fork over the cash - it's the last gift you'll give me.  Skimp on the casket, I won't feel the extra cushion.  I doubt anyone in attendance can recognize a $3000 casket from a $1000 casket.  Really, it's not like I need gold inlay.  I want people to read my obituary and feel sorry that they missed knowing me.  Show those soccer moms who thought I was too old or too uncool that it really was their loss.

Laying Down One's Life

I like romance stories.  A common theme in these stories is the hero risking his life to save the heroine, who is also his true love.  Of course, in fiction, they usually both survive.

I have heard many humans express their love for another with the sentiment that they would lay down their life to save the other.  It sounds selfless, but when you stop and really reflect, this is what they are indeed saying:

1.  There's this great place called Heaven that we are all waiting to get to - but I'm going to cut the line and see if I can't get there before you

2.  I'm going to do something that might end my life but you will be saved.  So you can stay here on this earth and miss me every day.  You can learn to live with the guilt that I died to save you.  You can go through the rest of your life bereft and grieving.

Staying behind is the hard part!  That's what torments me most about my potential exit on 7/12/17, that I will have to leave my kids behind.  Sure it sounds self-centered to think they can't go on without me.  I know they can.  They are strong.  They will go on.  But they will also have sadness and longing and an absence that I am not there to fill.  In my earthly, mother's heart the idea of hurting my children bothers me.

It seems like the more romantic, heroic thing to do would be to say to your loved one, you take my place at the great banquet table of Heaven, I'll stay down here and wait in the rain without an umbrella on the dark night, with stray and rabid dogs nipping at my heels.  I'll keep waiting for the next Heaven-bound bus that comes along, even though it may be decades.  And I'll miss you but I'll be glad you are safe and secure and happy and comfortable in Heaven.

The Shower Bubble

I'm starting to think that the shower is the best place in the world.

When I'm in the shower in the morning, I'm not late yet.  I can envision my day and anything is still possible.  It's only after I get out and there's a wardrobe malfunction or my hair won't cooperate that I start to run late.  When I'm in the shower I still haven't broken my diet or said the wrong thing.

If I shower in the evening I wash away all the stress and strain of the day.  I step out fresh and clean and ready for a restful night and a new day tomorrow.

Another Non-Fatal Condition

Recently I had my first physical in probably 25 years. Thanks to the new health care laws an annual physical is free and I love taking advantage of free opportunities.

During the physical they did an EKG and determined that I have a Bundle Branch Blockage.  So the left and right sides of my heart are operating out of synch.  Like always, I did some reading, it's not really serious even though the doctor did recommend I do a stress test with a cardiologist, as a baseline.  Many people have BBB and don't even know it.

I almost find it more of a frustration.  At least with this condition, as opposed to Gilbert's Syndrome, it is invisible whereas Gilbert leaves my eyes yellow and my skin looking horrible.  But otherwise it is frustrating because it is serious enough to have a name but there's really nothing to do.  It's like a false start at a track race.  You're ready to run the distance but nope, come back and assume the ready position for a bit longer.  At some point the race is going to start.  The sooner it starts the sooner it will be over.

Is it just a side effect of better science that can now diagnose these conditions?  I wonder how many conditions the average person has.

Fears

I read a book titled "O, Africa!" by Andrew Lewis Conn.  I hated the book but I forced myself to read it because I had received a promotional copy in exchange for writing a review.  I tried not to stress about what a waste of time it was to read this very unenjoyable book when there were so many others I genuinely wanted to read.  Finally, way towards the end of the book, on page 294, I was rewarded with some food for thought.

One of the characters said, "The thing you fear most is the thing that will happen."

Most people, when asked what they are afraid of, will say something like spiders or bats or maybe even waking up alone.  The quote works for those things and initially that was how I contemplated it.  Then I suddenly had a transcendental understanding of the quote - like a gift from God.

If there is a specific answer to the riddle-like quote - it is DEATH.  Most people don't admit it, or maybe have pushed it so far aside that it doesn't come to mind when asked, but I believe almost everyone fears death.  If not we wouldn't fight so hard to hang on to life.  Death is unknown and therefore scary.  We may have ideas about what happens after death - but we have no absolute, infallible, concrete proof.

Someone may not like spiders - but we are always bigger than the spider.
Nobody is bigger than Death.  Death WILL happen.
Sooner or later.  From the moment we are born, we are dying.

From time to time you hear of exceptional people who are ready to go to their celestial home and seemingly have no fear.  I've heard that faith and fear cannot co-exist.  Yet all humans are imperfect therefore nobody has perfect faith.  And from the moment we are born we are fearful - babies cry because they are afraid of the unknown, the shock of being born or wet or hungry and not knowing if the state will ever change.

It is a conundrum for me - faith and fear.