Bring Out the Heavy Equipment

This week it occurred to me how a funeral viewing can serve as the last visual someone has of a departed.  I know that in life I am not the most attractive person.  A birth defect left a facial scar.  My liver condition often results in blemishes and brown marks on my face.  My hair is genetically thin.  I mean, I'm not so bad as to scare small children but I'm not going to win any contests.  

Point being, I want people's last view of me to be spectacular.  

Attn: Future Mortician

Haul out the heavy equipment.   Bring your biggest air brush.  Get about 1,000 hair extensions.  

I want to look better in death than I ever did in life (but still recognizable).

Life Insurance

During a recent meeting with our financial advisor we were discussing the practicality of life insurance.  He said as long as we had enough other assets to cover funeral expenses that life insurance really wasn't the best investment strategy.

Without hesitation, I told him I'd get back to him in about 9 months but until then I wanted to keep my life insurance in effect.  

I'm not much of a gambler, but if I can leave my kids each with a nice amount of money for only a small monthly premium until then - I'll take that risk.

Time Will Tell What's to Come

We've had a couple of busy weekends lately - maybe not what some would consider busy but busy for us.  Off schedule and late to bed.  We've also had a couple of nights when our sleep was interrupted due to a child's 3 a.m. headache one time and a 1 a.m. power outage another time.  Getting back to sleep took over an hour.  So it seems reasonable that I would be more tired than usual once I work all day, get home, cook dinner, clean up, check the mail and finally sit down to relax.  

My house feels like chaos and I think of taking a day off just to straigten it all up.

Because of birthday celebrations and changes to our schedule I've eaten a lot more junk food lately than I normally would.  Several months ago I was in a good routine and following a diet that was good for my liver abnormality.  Lately, I just haven't invested the time in the required dietary preparation.  Lately my skin is horrible and my eyes are more yellow - signs that my liver is stressed.  

But even with these rational explanations, I can't escape the recurring thought that some big illness is headed my way and going to knock me flat.  Like a really bad pneumonia or flu.  And then I wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I saw a story on the news last night about a 13 year old who died from West Nile contracted from a mosquito bite.  Made me think I ought to retrieve the non-toxic but effective lemon eucalyptus mosquito repellant I have in the cabinet and actually use it on myself (and my child) when we are outside twice a week in the evenings for 90 minute tennis sessions.  I probably will, but that doesn't lessen the internal dread of what's coming.

Sometimes I think it is just the weight of the world I am feeling and once we get through the elections, assuming my candidate wins, I'll feel better.  

Time will tell.

Confessing Fear

Before my birthday I was talking to an acquaintance and told her about my birthday plans but didn't elaborate on my inspiration for making specific and significant plans.  The next time I saw her, after my birthday, another lady joined our conversation.  The other lady, out of the blue, told us that her daughter has significant and unusual dreams, including one recently which told her the dates that many of her friends and loved ones would die.  She wrote them down and when they did the math they were reasonable dates.  So I confessed about my dream and corresponding birthday plans.  They did not seem to think me any stranger.

I thought about telling my kids why I was specifically making unique plans with them but in the end I didn't because I felt it might cast a shadow of obligation onto our time together.  You might think they could read about it in my blog but it seems they rarely read my blog unless I make a Facebook post about it and tag them in it.  I think they probably don't like to think about the subject.  I hope they will read it after I am gone though.

In my email signature I have a link to my website where I post book reviews and also a teaser question and link to my blog.  Quite often I delete the links before I send an email - not so much because of the book reviews but because of the blog.  I definitely take it off of any communication with hiring managers.  But sometimes I even take it off of communications with people from my church.  I have found that email systems think the signature is advertising and will sometimes target my outgoing mail as spam in somebody else's inbox.  But I have also found that sometimes I am uncertain how people would react to my blog and in fear I delete the link. In church last Sunday I saw 2 Timothy 1:6-8, 13-14 and felt chastised as I read "do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord".

Fear is an odd thing.  I fear death, but I don't fear being right about the date.   I do fear being wrong about the date and, as a result, looking foolish like those cults that pop up from time to time and say the world is going to end - and then it doesn't and everyone thinks they are just kooky.

The Languages of Heaven

Last night as I lay down before sleep and used the quiet time to talk to God I had three different languages running through my head.  Since I started a new job six weeks ago in which I speak and hear a lot more Spanish than I usually do I often hear the voice in my head that internally expresses my thoughts speaking to me in Spanish, in addition to the Portuguese and English that are always there.  Sometimes I worry that I will accidentally speak Spanish at home, where others don't speak it.  But I reflected last night in my quiet time that it doesn't matter to God because He understands it all, plus over 200 other languages and even the silent language that is not spoken but just wished and daydreamed and hoped.

I think it will be cool when I get to Heaven and can understand all the languages too.  I've read a book and seen a show that portray it as if somebody would speak to me in Heaven using, say, Swahili and I would hear it in English.  But I hope it's not.  I hope I hear the actual Swahili and understand it perfectly.  Or maybe there is one whole other language reserved only for Heaven.

Causing Emotional Pain to our Loved Ones

I'm currently listening to Still Life with Bread Crumbs by Anna Quindlen for my book club.  Surprisingly it is very different from another book of hers I listened to, Every Last One.  Instead it is more like something written by Fannie Flagg.  Anyway, in this book the main character is a 60 year old woman and one of the sub-plots is about her mother in a nursing home suffering from dementia.  The family members feel frustrated and hurt when they go to visit the old woman and she doesn't even recognize them.  I can totally relate to that since my own mother starved herself to death due to dementia only a few years ago.  When I heard the audio book I wasn't sad for what I lost, but sad for how I might hurt my own children one day (if I survive 7/12/17).

Another character in the book says his mother died when he was 18 and the main character wonders which is better - to lose them too soon or too late.  That is something I hope we debate in book club.

Obviously it would seem like too late is better because at least you can use the time in between to build memories.  Which reinforces for me my thoughts of last week about making this year's birthday more special and specifically seeking to create memories for my kids.

My Last Birthday

My birthday is at the end of September.  This could be the last birthday I ever have!  I suppose anyone could say that since tomorrow is never a guarantee.  Most people don't have prophetic dreams that lead them to believe they know when they will die.  But I did.  And so I consider the very real possibility . . .  how do I want to spend my birthday?

My son the musician is playing a show the night before.  He plays a lot of shows - I go to very few of them.  So I will go to this show.  And next year, if I'm not here, he'll remember me on my birthday and think how nice it was that I was at his show.  (With my attendance record it might be the last show I attend, as well.)

Recently I read that the Brazilian restaurant now offers Sunday brunch and it is a bit more economical than their dinner package.  My daughter and I have birthdays four days apart.  I hope we can have a mother/daughter brunch there this year.  Usually we get together near our birthday and do something or other but I hope a special brunch will make an extra special memory for her too.

And for my husband and youngest child still at home?  Well, we make special memories every day.  My husband is not much on celebratng birthdays so typically I just pick up my favorite pizza and a DVD.  This year my fifth grader wants to go to a kids event that falls on my birthday so maybe I can convince my husband to take me to  real movie.  A real movie will surely be nice but not so much about creating a special memory as just a convenience while the kid is at the event instead of the usual grocery shoppong that I do while I wait for the kid.  I suppose it might somehow be a nice memory for me when I'm on my death bed.  I'll definitely want to pick a light-hearted movie!