Socks

After my mother died I was responsible for disposing of all her things.  We had an estate sale for the larger stuff.  I donated a bunch of things.  But if it didn't sell at the estate sale and it seemed valuable or useful, I held on to it.  I have sold several items on eBay.  And I kept a few pieces of clothing and some socks.  

Sometimes my husband will ask me where I got this shirt or those pants.  I say, "I inherited them."  The other day I put on a pair of socks that had belonged to my mother and it occurred to me that if I die in less than a year, my daughter might inherit those same socks.  She probably wouldn't even know that they were her grandmother's.

Presidential Ponderings

The next time there is a presidential election my youngest son, now in fifth grade, will be in highschool. There is a "wow" factor in that.  Will I be alive?  There is an "oh" factor in that.

How to Save a Life

The Fray came out with their song "How to Save a Life" in 2005.  If you look at the lyrics it seems more like it is about a relationship ending than actually saving a life.  The two lines that stick with me in this song and that are often repeated throughout the song are:

And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

I actually can't hear this song without tears coming to my eyes.   It's funny because the person I did know that I did stay up with many nights trying to save his life, died in 2000 - well before this song came out.  So there are no shared memories that come flooding back when I hear this song.  I don't feel guilty about not saving his life on that final night.  (Not that I had a choice.)  The words just really touch me.

Actually, when the song first came out I would cry bunches when it came on the radio (usually while driving).  I would immediately change the station but I still knew the song was playing on the original station and so it was still on my mind and I would still cry. 

Now it feels like an automatic response - song comes on, I cry.  But I cry a lot less now.  The other day I actually listed to the song all the way through.  I think I only had about four tear drops leak out.

I don't really know what the point of this post is other than catharsis.  It doesn't directly relate to my future appointment on 7/12/17 although I suppose I could ponder what songs might make my loved ones cry after I'm gone.  But, who knows, the songs that make them cry may not even come out until 2022.

Bring Out the Heavy Equipment

This week it occurred to me how a funeral viewing can serve as the last visual someone has of a departed.  I know that in life I am not the most attractive person.  A birth defect left a facial scar.  My liver condition often results in blemishes and brown marks on my face.  My hair is genetically thin.  I mean, I'm not so bad as to scare small children but I'm not going to win any contests.  

Point being, I want people's last view of me to be spectacular.  

Attn: Future Mortician

Haul out the heavy equipment.   Bring your biggest air brush.  Get about 1,000 hair extensions.  

I want to look better in death than I ever did in life (but still recognizable).

Life Insurance

During a recent meeting with our financial advisor we were discussing the practicality of life insurance.  He said as long as we had enough other assets to cover funeral expenses that life insurance really wasn't the best investment strategy.

Without hesitation, I told him I'd get back to him in about 9 months but until then I wanted to keep my life insurance in effect.  

I'm not much of a gambler, but if I can leave my kids each with a nice amount of money for only a small monthly premium until then - I'll take that risk.

Time Will Tell What's to Come

We've had a couple of busy weekends lately - maybe not what some would consider busy but busy for us.  Off schedule and late to bed.  We've also had a couple of nights when our sleep was interrupted due to a child's 3 a.m. headache one time and a 1 a.m. power outage another time.  Getting back to sleep took over an hour.  So it seems reasonable that I would be more tired than usual once I work all day, get home, cook dinner, clean up, check the mail and finally sit down to relax.  

My house feels like chaos and I think of taking a day off just to straigten it all up.

Because of birthday celebrations and changes to our schedule I've eaten a lot more junk food lately than I normally would.  Several months ago I was in a good routine and following a diet that was good for my liver abnormality.  Lately, I just haven't invested the time in the required dietary preparation.  Lately my skin is horrible and my eyes are more yellow - signs that my liver is stressed.  

But even with these rational explanations, I can't escape the recurring thought that some big illness is headed my way and going to knock me flat.  Like a really bad pneumonia or flu.  And then I wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I saw a story on the news last night about a 13 year old who died from West Nile contracted from a mosquito bite.  Made me think I ought to retrieve the non-toxic but effective lemon eucalyptus mosquito repellant I have in the cabinet and actually use it on myself (and my child) when we are outside twice a week in the evenings for 90 minute tennis sessions.  I probably will, but that doesn't lessen the internal dread of what's coming.

Sometimes I think it is just the weight of the world I am feeling and once we get through the elections, assuming my candidate wins, I'll feel better.  

Time will tell.

Confessing Fear

Before my birthday I was talking to an acquaintance and told her about my birthday plans but didn't elaborate on my inspiration for making specific and significant plans.  The next time I saw her, after my birthday, another lady joined our conversation.  The other lady, out of the blue, told us that her daughter has significant and unusual dreams, including one recently which told her the dates that many of her friends and loved ones would die.  She wrote them down and when they did the math they were reasonable dates.  So I confessed about my dream and corresponding birthday plans.  They did not seem to think me any stranger.

I thought about telling my kids why I was specifically making unique plans with them but in the end I didn't because I felt it might cast a shadow of obligation onto our time together.  You might think they could read about it in my blog but it seems they rarely read my blog unless I make a Facebook post about it and tag them in it.  I think they probably don't like to think about the subject.  I hope they will read it after I am gone though.

In my email signature I have a link to my website where I post book reviews and also a teaser question and link to my blog.  Quite often I delete the links before I send an email - not so much because of the book reviews but because of the blog.  I definitely take it off of any communication with hiring managers.  But sometimes I even take it off of communications with people from my church.  I have found that email systems think the signature is advertising and will sometimes target my outgoing mail as spam in somebody else's inbox.  But I have also found that sometimes I am uncertain how people would react to my blog and in fear I delete the link. In church last Sunday I saw 2 Timothy 1:6-8, 13-14 and felt chastised as I read "do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord".

Fear is an odd thing.  I fear death, but I don't fear being right about the date.   I do fear being wrong about the date and, as a result, looking foolish like those cults that pop up from time to time and say the world is going to end - and then it doesn't and everyone thinks they are just kooky.