Dreading the New Year

I work in a school with ESL students so I speak a lot of Spanish all day long.  Spanish is my third language.  Portuguese is my second.  Last Friday, when we were released for Christmas break, I decided to listen to Brasilian music on my way home - a good, healthy dose of Portuguese to make sure I wasn't forgetting the language.  One of my favorite songs came on, "Sutilmente" by Skank.  It's sort of a love song.  The singer says, when I'm sad - you hold me, when I'm crazy - you let me be, when I'm silly - you cover for me.  The bridge really got to me though.  

Mas quando eu estiver morto

Suplico que nao me mate, nao

Dentro de ti, dentro de ti

When I'm dead, I beg you not to kill me inside of you.

To me that says the singer doesn't want to be forgotten after they die.  It says they want their loved ones to keep their memory alive within their hearts.

And that's when it hit me - through my tears for the beautiful sentiment, My lack of Christmas spirit this year is not becuase after Christmas we will tell my youngest child the truth about Santa Claus.  (He's in 5th grade, I don't want him to go to middle school and not know the real story.)  I realized that I don't have the Christmas spirit this year because after Christmas comes the New Year.  The year 2017.  The year that I may die on July 12th.  I don't want the year to start because I don't want my life to end.  

My brain tells me I should make the most of these days and create beautiful memories for my children.  But my subconcious is reacting with fear - and the fear is winning.  My brain tells me to push the fear aside and focus on the positive, but apparently I haven't done enough Sudoku because my brain is weak.