Three Years to Go

In three years from the day I write this (not necessarily the day I post this), it will be THE day.  This occurred to me about 4 days ago.  And I felt a little panic.

Last night my 8 year old had a terrible night.  Up at 11:30 to go to the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep.  Then up again at 2:30, got himself a cheese stick in the kitchen because he thought maybe eating something would help.  I sat with him in his room and read to him until 3:15.  He was awake again by 6:15 am (on July 12th).  After I went back to bed at 3:15 a.m. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come.  Was it a coincidence that this night, leading into THE day, was the first bad night he's had in years?  (For the first 3 years of his life EVERY night was a bad night, and then it was hit or miss for a couple of years - but I thought we had pretty much conquered his sleeping issues due to a very, very bad case of RLS.)  Obviously RLS is not life threatening so I don't think he's going to die from it in three years - but are his issues this night symbolic or predictive?

So today, 7/12/14 I'm just knocking around the house.  Getting projects done, etc.  But the date crosses my mind often.  And I try to imagine if today were 3 years into the future, would I be content to just hang around the house like I said I would, anticipating a lunch date with my children.  Today, in 2014, the answer is NO!  I want to run, breathe, live, feel.  I want to get out there and do it all - every last undone thing.  Yet, at the same time, feel like it is not my last day on earth.  Not dwell on the potential scariness.  Which - how could I possibly do both?  If I do anything special and out of the ordinary on 7/12/17, how can I trick my brain into not dwelling on the very reason I am doing it?

And then there is the totally unknown of will I even be able to do anything?  Or will my last days be plagued by some ailment yet to come?

Last Chances

Normally I am not a huge soccer fan.  I like the sport but I don't actively follow it.  Until it is a World Cup year.  Then I pay a little attention.  Sort of like I don't watch the SPURS until they get in the playoffs.  And then I only feel the need to tune in for the last few minutes of the game.

But - back to soccer.  My favorite soccer team in the world is Brasil.  So I have been loving the World Cup this summer. Having lived in Brasil as an exchange student and still keeping in touch with "family" and friends there - I have felt more connected to them this summer than normal.  Watching the soccer games and knowing they are happening in Brasil, seeing the scenes from Copacabana, the streets I have been on - it's like a little vacation in my mind.

Additionally, I threw my hat in the Sports Authority Bracket Challenge and actually won a $250 gift card in the group stage for doing well with my picks.  But once the competition got to the quarter finals the Challenge turned into an actual bracket.  So I picked Brasil to line up against Costa Rica in the finals.

Well - my bracket is busted all to heck.  Today was the day Brasil lost 7 - 1 to Germany.
I felt for the Brasilian fans in the stadium with tears running down their faces.  I wanted to be there to console my friends - and I wanted them to console me.

And then I realized - I may never see another World Cup.  Because it only happens every 4 year - this is it.  If 7/12/17 happens like I think it will - I will go to my grave never seeing my beloved team vanquish this great loss.  I'm sure I will still rest easy in eternity - but it is strange to think I may have experienced the first "last time". 

In 4 days it will be 3 years away.  It still seems far off - but if I'm already experiencing a "last time" then it feels like things are just going to roll quickly from here on out.

Allow the Blessing

     I'm not much of a gambler but it occurs to me that July 12, 2017 will be a Wednesday - maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.  If that's the day that is going to change my life drastically - why not spend $1 or maybe $5.  If I do die that day - I won't miss the money.  And if something catastrophic or financially horrific happens, then an extra dollar or five on its own probably won't make much difference.

     But I have heard several times in the past few years that we shouldn't shut ourselves off to the opportunity of God's blessing.  My mom once told me a joke about a guy who was sitting on a rooftop with floodwater all around, praying to God to be rescued.  Someone came by in a canoe and called out to him to get in and he said no thanks, God's going to rescue me.  Then someone came by on a jet ski and called out to him but he waved them on.  Finally a helicopter came and lowered a rope but he told them was waiting on God to rescue him.  SO the guy died and went up to Heaven and he asked God why he didn't rescue him.  God said, "What do you mean?  I sent you a canoe, a jet ski and a helicopter."
Point being - don't be picky or wait for your expectation.  Be open to new ideas and whatever God has in mind.

So if God wants to bless me with a lottery win - I'd better at least buy a ticket.

An Imperial Affliction

The other day I was at the pool, enjoying a nice breeze on a summer day, watching my 8 year old do the water slides - OH MY GOSH, I suddenly notice that big freckle on my leg has undergone a significant change.  It's doubled in size, it's darker, it's not a uniform shape - OH MY GOSH, this is it, this is the beginning, I have cancer in my leg, it's probably gone down to the bone, OKAY, OKAY, I said I'd rather lose a limb than have cancer.  So I'll just go full on attack, just take off the leg, no chemo for me, no chance of radiation not getting it all, I'll learn to live with a prosthetic, I wonder how much time I'll have to take off work.  I lean in for a closer look - oh, it's a leaf or something, it brushes right off - crisis averted (for now).

To be fair - I am currently reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and one of the main characters did lose a leg to cancer.

I worried about myself reading this book - but it was a book club selection so I obligate myself.
(Interested in my book reviews or book club info - see www.bedtimebookreview.com)

Bucket Lists

My 8 year old heard a musical ice cream truck for the first time the other day and he said, "Now that's one thing I can cross off my bucket list."  I chuckled at the idea of an 8 year old having a bucket list but thought it was a pretty great moment to share with him - hearing his first ice cream truck.  (Almost as good as eating ice cream with him.)

Later that day we went to the library.  On the way out I was thinking of all the books I have on my shelf, and all the additional books I have on my "booket" list and felt a momentary panic at the thought that I wouldn't be able to read them all before I die.  Even if I still have 50 years on this earth, it is unrealistic to think I would ever read them all.  Especially because I add to it at a greater rate than I subtract from it.

Then I chuckled at myself.  It's all pretty ludicrous.  I read as a pass-time.  I like the escape it gives me.

Escape from what?  That's the thing.  I'm generally happy with my life - so why do I want to escape it?  

But isn't that what any hobby is?  Whether it is losing yourself in music, or crafts, or volunteering (okay, that does make the world a better place) or flying model helicopters, or following a sports team, or whatever - it is all a pass-time, an escape from the mundane.  Even watching TV transports you into someone else's life or some other alternate reality.

And it all fills our time until we really do escape this world.  Whether or not I read all the books on my list, there will come a day when I will get off this planet.  And I will leave behind books unread, recipes untried, words unsaid, vistas unseen, blogs unt....

JUST KIDDING - I'm still here, at least until July 12, 2017.

Headaches

The worst headache I have ever had was when I was in Brasil.  I had three host families during my year there.  One I still call family to this day.  One was like a sorority house and one was just a place to crash.  So it was in the middle one that I had a really bad headache.  Even as I was lying on the sofa in agony I was aware that if I had been at home at that moment the headache would not have seemed so horrible.

Recently, on a Saturday, I didn't feel quite right.  My right arm was achy and I felt nasuea in the morning.  On top of that was the stress of getting everyone out the door in time to have our weekly trip to the gym to workout before a family event.  I kept thinking to myself that I only needed to worry if it was my left arm that ached.

As I was doing my crunches I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice me on the floor if I passed out or started having convulsions.  And how would they match me up with my family since I didn't have an ID on me.

At the family event I took some Excedrin and started to feel better.  The rest of the day proceeded fine.  Until 3 a.m.   I awoke from my dream of being barefoot at work and realized I had a bad headache.  I thought about taking some more Excedrin but my husband is a light sleeper and I didn't want to bother him.  So I tried to massage it away - which is about like trying to tickle yourself.

Lying there in a quiet house, taking stock of any other symptom and wondering if this was going to wind up as an E.R. trip, I concluded that headaches seem more intense when I am lonely.  I suppose it is as simple as lack of distraction allowing more focus on the pain.  I began to repeat to myself, "71217" - assuring myself that I would survive this headache.  Then I wondered if it was the beginning of a brain tumor.

Finally my husband stirred and I got some Excedrin and tried to be patient as I waited for it to kick in.  Thankfully I don't suffer from migraines - but I feel for those that do.

The Need to Know

I find it interesting that God created us as curious beings and one of the things people are most curious about is God.  Why did He create us?  What is our purpose here?  What is His plan for me?  What is Heaven like and will I go there?  And, as in my previous post, What's it all for?  How do my deeds and actions fit into the grand scheme?  My faith tells me that I am, in general, where I need to be and doing what I need to do.  But my humanness wants confirmation of that.  I'm okay without the worldly measures of success like mansions and money.  I hope that when I get to Heaven I can look down and see the paths of my footprints and from there the paths that others were able to take.  But my personal beliefs tell me that when I get to Heaven, the knowledge of my worldly impact will no longer be important to me.