Finally Figured it Out

Sunday in church the priest said something along the lines of there being two deaths, the physical death and the death of our soul.  I wasn't a hundred percent sure of how he meant that, but at the same time it made a sense to me that brought peace and maybe some forgiveness or lessening of guilt.

When I thought I was going to die on 7/12/17, I was most upset about leaving my family behind but was conflicted because that seemed somewhat conceited to think that my family wouldn't do well without me.  But I think it was actually I was afraid for my soul - that I hadn't done enough on earth, taught them enough, prepared them enough, inspired them enough, fulfilled enough of my job as their parent since God entrusted them to me to raise and teach and prepare and inspire.

I still continue to thank God every night for giving me one more day with my children, but now I am also contemplating if I did enough good works for Him throughout the day.

71218 (One year later)

On this date one year ago I thought it would be my last day on earth.  It wasn't.  Every day since then I have thanked God for one more day.

Last year on my potential last day I made a point to have a nice lunch with my two oldest children.  We agreed then that if I continued living we'd make it an annual tradition.  So today we got together again (we have seen each other several times in the intervening year) and had a nice lunch date.

Of course, every day we are alive we should celebrate but sadly, most people don't.  While I have been grateful for each day I haven't been grateful for each moment of the day.  I've vented my share of frustrations and had moments I wish I could re-do.  I haven't used my extra time to make any lasting earthly contributions that I'm aware of - but I've continue to learn and grow and try.

And I'll continue to thank God for every day until the day I die.

12717

It wasn't December 7th either!  In fact, that day we were enjoying a family road trip.  We haven't traveled in almost 8 years.  We had the pleasure of taking our 12 year old to the state championships with his school robotics team.

Every night since July 12th, when I say my nightly prayers, I get a little giddy as I thank God for having given me one more day.  (Or, approx. 148 one more days and counting.)

The Day After

I'm here, I'm alive, and as healthy as I know it.  I forgot to buy a lottery ticket.

Nothing significant happened yesterday that I know of - but I did have a lovely 2 1/2 hour lunch with my kids at the Brazilian steakhouse (had the Cow Day date wrong but had decided anyway to live it up).

Interestingly, a friend that I had fallen out of communication with called me up because, apparently, we had spoken as recently as 3 1/2 years ago and I had told her about my dream so she had written it on her calendar.

So far I am maintaining an attitude of gratefulness for one more day - but I've only been up for one hour.  However I sincerely hope to maintain this attitude for the rest of my life.

I've noticed that the subtle posts I made on Facebook over the last couple of days about enjoying every moment have gotten a higher than normal amount of likes and positive comments. 

Best wishes to all!  Make the most of every moment and make a contribution to life every day. 

My Plan for the Day After

It just so happens that the big day, July 12, 2017, is a Wednesday and Wednesday is the day I make my weekly blog post.  Next Wednesday I will not post.  I will be busy living every last moment (or at least having lunch with my kids.  I know I said I'd go to the Brazilian restaurant but coincidentally it is Chic-fil-a Dress Like a Cow day and get free food, which we do every year, so we'll probably be eating at Chic-fil-a instead.)

My plan for the day after, or specifically 7/13/17, if I am still alive, is to make one final blog post stating that I am alive.

Talking Myself into a Circle

Buckle up - it's a bit bumpy.

I was listening to the song that goes, "Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.  All you have to do is call.  And I'll be there, you've got a friend."

That got me thinking about what friends I have to whom I would go running when they called.  I have lots of friends and family in Brazil.  Over the years, now especially with Facebook, I've seen that they have come as far as Orlando and not invited me to join them or not tried to come visit me in Texas.

Sure, sometimes it wouldn't be practical.  But I'd like to at least know it was an option.  To feel like I was friend enough that they would want to visit with me.  I mean, normally we live 5,000+ miles apart so if they were less than 2,000 miles from my home, that is more than half way.  Just as if I were in any part of Brazil I surely would plan a leg of my trip to go visit them.  

And what if it was something a little weightier?  What if a friend needed a kidney?  What if my best friend in the world needed a kidney?  I'd have to say no because I would worry that if something went wrong and I died it would be unfair to my children.  This friend I think of is childless.  But what if they, too, had a child.  Nope - I still wouldn't do it.  While I wouldn't want their kids to lose a parent, donating a kidney could potentially rob two families of a parent.  BUT - what if it was I who needed the kidney.  Yes, I'd expect my (childless) friend to donate for me.  Why?  They have a parents and siblings - doesn't that count too?

And then I wonder why I am so obsessed with not abandoning my children.  I mean, I think I'm a decent mother but I'm no mother-of-the-year.  And haven't I raised them well enough to survive without me?  As I've said before though, dying first is no noble gesture.  Life sucks for a while for those left behind.  So maybe that is what I want to spare my children from.

The Queen's Funeral Plans

I recently saw a news report about the plans that have been in place for several years regarding what will happen when the Queen of England (Elizabeth II) dies.  (Currently she is older than 90.)  Pre-planned details for nine days following her death include:

• her private secretary will call the Prime Minister on a secure line and say "London Bridge is down"
• security and transport arranged for multiple scenarios
• a bulletin to the press association within 15 minutes at the same time a guard places notice on the Buckingham Palace gates
• website changes
• an obituary light will flash at national radio stations instigating a switch to somber music in anticipation of breaking news
• pre-assigned locations for broadcaster coverage from the palace
• body carried to Westminster Abbey by military procession, scheduled to arrive at the steps at the exact moment Big Ben begins to chime
• new king declared the day after her death

The report had me both intrigued and relieved.  Obviously I'm no queen but it was slightly reassuring to see that even someone like the queen gives advanced thought to her death.  It is slightly a relief to know that at least I haven't planned it down to the deatil of when the church bells will start to chime at my funeral.

In fact, as the time gets ever closer I haven't planned anything but lunch on 7/12/17.  I haven't written letters; I haven't updated my will or even found a lawyer, And I'm starting to realize that most likely, I won't.  For the next 10 days I'm busy volunteering at my church.  Maybe I will do something after that because my youngest will be at sleep-away camp so I will have a lot of time to reflect and take care of things.  But I'm thinking I'll probably find 100 other things to distract myself with.  At the very least I am more attracted to finishing "the blanket", working on my novel (still probably wouldn't finish it) or creating a family heirloom art that I've been wanting to do for a couple of years.  Even catching up on nine years of scrapbooking sounds more attractive than updating a will.